2 posts tagged “transition”

Oy.  Things are pretty good, I’m still smiling on a regular basis, but things are starting to get complicated with my new lover.  We’re still having a great time both out of and in bed, for sure, but we’re grappling with her insecurities and my lack of emotional availability on a regular basis. 

I really like Sm, she’s a smart cookie who writes very well and is extremely creative.  We talk a lot but can just sit there quietly with each other as well.  She’s honest and forthright and dependable.  She has a lot of diverse interests and genuinely likes people of all shapes sizes genders ethnicities and orientations, so important!  She’s got a huge heart and is willing to share it.  She’s fun and silly and I definitely need some of that in my life – I’m too “mature” most of the time and have a hard time just being fun and silly with someone…but she and I together are good at that. We tease and wrestle and make faces…childlike maybe, but I’ve always been way too in touch with my inner adolescent and inner grown up and not nearly in touch enough with my inner 7 year old.  Sm’s very pretty and turns me on like crazy…I won’t get graphic, but I love to touch her and hold her and …well, I really like all of that with her. 

She doesn’t feel the same way about herself though.  She tells me she doesn’t know why someone like me is with someone like her.   When I compliment her or tell her the things I like about her, she blows it off.  She’s very sensitive about her appearance and her body, even to the point of expressing hatred about body parts that I really think are great.  I finally asked her how she would feel if, right after she complimented me, I started talking about the things I dislike about myself …and she agreed that she would stop making disparaging remarks about herself.  But I know those thoughts are still rocking around inside her head.   And some of her feelings have a lot to do with the way people have treated her in the past – how else do we pick up so much baggage, but in shitty relationships/interactions with others?  But….it is getting complicated.

She’s caring about me and talking about that and wanting to know how I feel about her.  And I feel as much for her as I’m capable of feeling about anyone that I’m intimate with (not just sexual, but intimate) right now.  Which is probably not enough.  She deserves more than I can give, she deserves someone who can fling themselves headlong into a long-term relationship with her.  And I simply cannot emotionally commit much right now.  I wish I had more to give her than just “I like you, we’re dating, we’re lovers and friends and I'll respect the boundaries we agreed to.” I could pretend.  But I won’t – that would be dishonest and disrespectful.  I’ve been completely forthright about what I have and don’t have to offer her, emotionally and otherwise, and she’s chosen to stick around anyway.

And my inability to give her more has nothing at all to do with who she is and what she’s about and everything to do with my particular circumstances right now.  Just having ended an 11 year relationship.  On the heels of all the other life change I’ve had over the past 3 years.   That renders my emotional well dry at the moment.  I’m not in mourning for the relationship that just ended… I started mourning that relationship a year ago, well before the word divorce ever entered the equation…so I’ve passed through most of the stages of grief and am starting over.  But that doesn’t mean that I’m refreshed emotionally yet.  Especially since I was in significant emotional pain right up to the day I moved out.   

Since that day a little over a month ago, I’ve felt pretty great almost every day…my mood has been so consistently positive it’s amazing.  And I’m pretty relieved to find that by doing all of the work in my head and heart over the last year…I don’t have to do nearly as much now that it’s over.  But I don’t know how much complication I can handle right now.  I’m doing okay so far, I told her the other night that red flags and nauseous feelings haven’t come up…after that they did a little…but I’m okay.  It’s a fine line for both of us right now.   I’m scared of committing more in the moment than I have to give in the long run and then realizing that and taking off for the hills…and she’s scared of being really hurt by my doing that.  Legitimate fears on both sides. 

Oh well.  We’re both talking a lot and that’s the best we can do right now.  We’re both still smiling a lot too, so that’s good. 

My life is on the verge of so much transition right now. 
I don't even know how to feel about it.
work, home, marriage, pets
All of it changing.
Not that change isn't a constant, but I'm talking CHANGE.
Sigh.
Dread and eagerness.
Whether I like it or not, I want to get moving already.