10 posts tagged “sex”

Weeks Events:
March 19 - Learned yet again why trainers should never try to teach adult learners by reading verbatim from powerpoint slides to the students.  Had a great session with my therapist about the possible etiologies of my horrible procrastination habits.  Skipped derby practice and had a phenomenal date with Sm.

March 20th - Flooding in and around town along with confusion on my part regarding location prevented me from attending a meeting - no great loss.  Watched kids lives being changed by art - Amazing.  Had half of a fantasy fulfilled (was naked in bed, left the door unlocked and called Sm who came over, walked in, we didn't say a word to each other, just started having incredible passionate sex) until the XH interrupted in a very persistent, untimely, and unwelcome way.  Potential disaster averted by Sm & I talking about the awkwardness and then picking up where we left off.  Rushed to an event supporting women's choice, back home, then off to a dance party.

March 21st - Lunch with co-workers, picked up my scooter from storage, helped set up for Sat's bout, hung out with Sm and her friend for the rest of the evening.

March 22nd - Bout Day!  We sold out our bout for the second time - So fun!Amazing game - very well matched teams - I jammed more than anyone else on our team - 13 jams!  crazy.   We lost by 7 points - but we made them earn their win.  The funniest part for me was when I was jamming against this chick and I checked the shit out of her and she looked at me and threw up her hands and was like, "what the fuck?" as if she didn't know that jammers can check each other.  Great afterparty, except for all the March Madness folks at the bar - lame-o's didn't  know that RD is much more exciting...  I asked Sm to be my girlfriend and she said yes.  Drunkenly home + 2 hours of wild fornication = no hangover the next day!

March 23rd - My Jesus Birthday on Zombie Jesus Day!  Brunch with a league member, some  time for me, then more wonderful fornication.  off to dinner reservations and guess what?  Sm threw me a surprise party!  I've only known her for 6 weeks and she freakin threw me a surprise birthday party - how amazing is she?  I was stunned and speechless for several minutes (I have a hard time with surprises), but it was really nice.  Then home and guess what...more and more fabulous loving.  She and I cannot get enough of each other.  I haven't had a sex drive like this since I was 17.  Actually even then, I didn't have the desire to stay in bed for umpteen hours at a time.   Sm  has been kind of amazed at my ...enthusiasm...if you will...for girlsex - esp since it's fairly new to me ( & esp since i'm bi and not a full-time lezzie).  I told her I've known what I wanted in that area for a long time and I've never been shy sexually.   With the few girls I've been with before her I've actually been pretty startled at the reluctance on the part of full-time lezzie's to go down on another girl.  Cause I won't lie, I love it.  Love it.  Okay, back on track....

March 24th -  Bleh Work.  League meeting for Roller Derby.  Tempers flared, accusations between refs and players flew, people got defensive and accusatory...just another league meeting.   Feeling bunk once I got home, hard to sleep.

March 25th - woke up and went to the bathroom - oh that's why I was feeling so bunk last night.  I see.  Hormones are wonderful things, guys, truly.   Worked a bit, left early b/c of a power shut-down, saw Sm for 2/10ths of a second, hung out with my heart sister and ate way too much.  Feeling lonely once home and alone.  Fell asleep promptly tho. 

And that's a week in the life of....

Oy.  Things are pretty good, I’m still smiling on a regular basis, but things are starting to get complicated with my new lover.  We’re still having a great time both out of and in bed, for sure, but we’re grappling with her insecurities and my lack of emotional availability on a regular basis. 

I really like Sm, she’s a smart cookie who writes very well and is extremely creative.  We talk a lot but can just sit there quietly with each other as well.  She’s honest and forthright and dependable.  She has a lot of diverse interests and genuinely likes people of all shapes sizes genders ethnicities and orientations, so important!  She’s got a huge heart and is willing to share it.  She’s fun and silly and I definitely need some of that in my life – I’m too “mature” most of the time and have a hard time just being fun and silly with someone…but she and I together are good at that. We tease and wrestle and make faces…childlike maybe, but I’ve always been way too in touch with my inner adolescent and inner grown up and not nearly in touch enough with my inner 7 year old.  Sm’s very pretty and turns me on like crazy…I won’t get graphic, but I love to touch her and hold her and …well, I really like all of that with her. 

She doesn’t feel the same way about herself though.  She tells me she doesn’t know why someone like me is with someone like her.   When I compliment her or tell her the things I like about her, she blows it off.  She’s very sensitive about her appearance and her body, even to the point of expressing hatred about body parts that I really think are great.  I finally asked her how she would feel if, right after she complimented me, I started talking about the things I dislike about myself …and she agreed that she would stop making disparaging remarks about herself.  But I know those thoughts are still rocking around inside her head.   And some of her feelings have a lot to do with the way people have treated her in the past – how else do we pick up so much baggage, but in shitty relationships/interactions with others?  But….it is getting complicated.

She’s caring about me and talking about that and wanting to know how I feel about her.  And I feel as much for her as I’m capable of feeling about anyone that I’m intimate with (not just sexual, but intimate) right now.  Which is probably not enough.  She deserves more than I can give, she deserves someone who can fling themselves headlong into a long-term relationship with her.  And I simply cannot emotionally commit much right now.  I wish I had more to give her than just “I like you, we’re dating, we’re lovers and friends and I'll respect the boundaries we agreed to.” I could pretend.  But I won’t – that would be dishonest and disrespectful.  I’ve been completely forthright about what I have and don’t have to offer her, emotionally and otherwise, and she’s chosen to stick around anyway.

And my inability to give her more has nothing at all to do with who she is and what she’s about and everything to do with my particular circumstances right now.  Just having ended an 11 year relationship.  On the heels of all the other life change I’ve had over the past 3 years.   That renders my emotional well dry at the moment.  I’m not in mourning for the relationship that just ended… I started mourning that relationship a year ago, well before the word divorce ever entered the equation…so I’ve passed through most of the stages of grief and am starting over.  But that doesn’t mean that I’m refreshed emotionally yet.  Especially since I was in significant emotional pain right up to the day I moved out.   

Since that day a little over a month ago, I’ve felt pretty great almost every day…my mood has been so consistently positive it’s amazing.  And I’m pretty relieved to find that by doing all of the work in my head and heart over the last year…I don’t have to do nearly as much now that it’s over.  But I don’t know how much complication I can handle right now.  I’m doing okay so far, I told her the other night that red flags and nauseous feelings haven’t come up…after that they did a little…but I’m okay.  It’s a fine line for both of us right now.   I’m scared of committing more in the moment than I have to give in the long run and then realizing that and taking off for the hills…and she’s scared of being really hurt by my doing that.  Legitimate fears on both sides. 

Oh well.  We’re both talking a lot and that’s the best we can do right now.  We’re both still smiling a lot too, so that’s good. 

I’ve been absent for quite a while. Fortunately, I did not:

• Fall off a cliff and die.
• Become rendered quadriplegic by a severe car accident.
• Succumb to an internet stalker who tracked me down and murdered me.

What I did do was:

• Successfully purchase a new home.
• Move into said new home.  (with New couch (red leather!), New bed, and New washer & dryer!!)
• Participate in our first Roller Derby bout this season and score the most points. (thanks to my incredibly awesome pack of blockers & pivot – who rendered the competition into swiss cheese)

I also had a tremendous experience the night of the bout.  It was really great and started my independent single life off just right. 

And then I met a girl later in the week…Sm…who I warned and warned about myself…but she just won’t listen.  So we’re texting every day and seeing each other frequently and I’m not falling for her and she’s not falling for me and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  Achingly honest, very forthright, consistent with her moods, and thoughts, and actions (OMG, I didn’t know there were single people out there who actually did what they said they were going to do).  Really pretty and sexy whether she’s femmed up or butched out (she doesn’t take either to extremes – it’s actually a subtle transition).  Smells good.  And oh so tender.   

Way too soon.  But very tender.  We’ve agreed that as long as we’re both smiling, it’s okay.  Nothing more than that promised or tendered.   We’ll see. 

But I’M SINGLE!!!

And I OWN MY OWN HOME!!!

I might start loving my life soon. 

So I haven't posted about my sex/love/lust life in awhile.  It's hard to feel sexy when you feel like your eyelids are being propped open by toothpicks.

Synopsis: 

• Lost interest in M.  Very sweet lady, but nothing in common unless our clothes were off and her mouth was shut.  Unfortunate but true.  We both deserve to be spending time with people we share interests and concerns with.
• Continued to have interest in former ladyfriend, but got tired of being jerked around.  I'll call you...maybe.  I'll call you...maybe.  I'll call you...maybe.  - Um...don't bother.  With that behavior, you're just reinforcing my decision to cut things off.  I have feelings, you know? Oh, and be nice to your friends please - they deserve it.   I really like you, but I hate the way you act towards myself and others sometimes. It hurts. Really.  It does.
  
• Continuing negative emotions around my H's seeing other women.  Resulting in a significant lack of sexual interest towards him.  We're talking about it, processing everything, but I feel most comfortable choosing not to engage in sex with him right now.  That's what he's got a gf for, right? right.
  
• Haven't met anyone new who I have the slightest interest in for awhile.  Definitely not looking in the right places, but I'm not sure where the right places are.
  
• Last night I made kissy-face with a girl H and I have been friends with for several years - I've had a crush on her for a long time.  It was very hott.  yes, that's right...hott.  with two t's. She's a great kisser.  But we were both inebriated and she's in the middle of a big break-up and working through alot of shit right now...so who knows how she feels about things today.  I'll be her friend, as always, no matter what, but if she needs a bit of affection and distraction from her brain without any emotional strings...I'd like to be first in line =). 
  
• At some point, I need to find a girl who's not in the middle of a break-up.  Who is not scared of me.  Who is hot and smart and somewhat mature. Who can accept my situation.  Who is somewhat reliable and somewhat stable and somewhat ....something. I don't know.  I'm not sure she exists.  At least in my small town.  sigh.  I'm probably not ready for her yet...but I hope she shows up sometime in the next year or two.  and hangs out for a month or two.  one and two night stands will get boring after awhile.
  

Went to a book signing by a famous but mediocre artist with my H.   H had plans with his gf after that and I had plans to get my drink on with some of my good friends and the artist.  I started drinking at the book-signing and was having a pretty good time chatting with friends by the time it was over.  A lady was there, I'll call her M, I'd met her before and we made small talk while waiting for friends to get themselves ready to go.  From the signing we went to a bar, ate some dinner, and continued the consumption of good bourbon. M continued to hang around me, not knowing some of the other people present very well.  We traveled to a party from the bar and while several of us were on the deck of the party, two of our group proceeded to somehow create a hole in a wall inside the house...this did not earn us high esteem at the party and we traveled on out of there rapidly, to jeering and catcalls (the two that accidentally broke the wall called the owner the next day and are making reparations for the damage).  After all of this excitement, the decision was made to break up our little crew and go home. 

M asked if she could come over and hang out on our deck and chat with me.  I said sure, why not.  M was a sweet girl, and though I was not sure how much we had in common, it was nice to be the one pursued for once. So M and I chat on the deck - we talk about all kinds of things, including my marriage and the rules of our open relationship, and then we move inside...we then start making kissy face, and to my surprise I was highly attracted to her once our lips locked.  She's not the type of lady that I was attracted to right off the bat...but the chemistry was certainly there once physical contact was made.  We also had some discussion about this being a friends-only situation...neither of us wants to date anyone right now. 

Several firsts happened this evening....H walked in on me and M making out on the couch - that's not happened before.  I walked out and talked with him and he was A-OK with the situation...told me to have fun.  Later, M and I proceeded to the guest bedroom and had a great time...while H was in his studio working...that's not happened before.  Again, he was A-OK with that - I let him know prior and again he encouraged me to have fun.  I'm so glad that M and I talked on the porch before-hand though, because when it came time for me to leave her and go to bed upstairs next to my H, it was easy to broach with her because we had already discussed it.  She stayed the night in the guest room and I stayed upstairs with H...that's not happened before.   The next day was a little awkward and shy, but nice.  M  and I and a friend chatted on the deck for awhile and then M traveled on home. So, wowow.  Lots of big steps in a very short time.

And this was only the start to my interesting weekend....more updates later.   

I’ve been in Love, capital L, romantic, intimate Love, two times in my life.  The second time, lucky for me, is with my husband.   It’s a Love that has most definitely stood the many tests of time.

The first time I fell in love though, I was 16.  I met this guy, I’ll call him D, through mutual friends and it was most definitely obsession at first sight.  We had a short, intense, and fiery love affair, as much as 16 year olds can carry out such a thing.  Later we discovered that neither of us had clear recollections of our first encounter, we both just had this sense of being hit with a mack truck of intensity and connection.   D and I became inseparable almost immediately, connecting mentally, and emotionally, and sexually in an amazing and overwhelming way. Shortly into our relationship, like days after we had sex for the first time, we were exchanging I love you’s….and D was saying things to me along the lines of:  he didn't deserve me, I was too good for him, his love for me was scary, etc.  He repeated statements like these many times during our relationship. I was very calm and mellow with him when he would say these things to me, telling him that I knew who he was, good and not, and he was someone I loved and wanted to be with.  And when he started talking about us being married– I was able to tell him not to look so far into the future – we were both not even 17 at that point.  I knew that we were not ready to even be talking about that stuff, even though I was head over heels about him. As it turned out, I was right.  The love affair lasted only months because what he did with his feelings for me was to destroy the relationship and thoroughly break my heart.  He did this because he didn’t know what to do with the intensity of his feelings towards me; I knew that even then.  He was generally a self-destructive type, very intelligent with a creative way of lacking insight and good judgment in general.  I was good at finding those back then.

I said all that to say this:  I’ve been in a relationship with a lady who told me throughout the time that we’ve been together that she didn’t know what to do with her feelings about me, she was worried about her feelings for me, I made her nervous and she didn’t know what to do with me.   And I was fairly infatuated with her myself, developing a friendship, starting to really care about her – so I stuck in there with her, enjoying her company and her smarts, and her sexiness, reassuring her where I could…

Sounding familiar?  Yeah. 

Can you guess the outcome yet? Yeah. 
Dial down the intensity by half and replace the 16 year old first Love with a 30+ year old major Crush/affection…and there you have it.  Can I just tell you that while my heart is not broken (though I feel very hurt), - this situation is no fun the second time around either.

Note to self….
If someone tells me they don’t know what to do with me – I should take their word for it.  They’re telling the truth and shouldn’t be entrusted with my feelings, because they really don’t know what to do with them.  Even though I don’t want to hear it, and don’t want to believe it…it’s true.  

So I've been seeing this sexy lady for several weeks now.  We have hot make-out sessions, we have hot conversation, basically we're totally hot for each other.  This chica has told me in the past that she really likes sex, likes to be sexually active, likes a variety of partners etc.  Cool.  I'm very excited to be with her and can't wait to take things all the way.  The chemistry is phenom.  But when we first started hanging out she also told me that she's trying to practice moving slower.  I was like, okay, I'm not down with pressuring anyone and boundaries are terrific.  And weeks later, we're doing less making out and alot more talking - which, don't get me wrong, is good - we're becoming good friends in the process I think - but damn, I'm over here bouncing on my tiptoes for anticipation - like a little kid waiting for the cotton candy that the operator is moving s  o  o  o       s  l   o   w   l   y   to get .   I'm just like - I'm pretty sure she hasn't lost interest....she's still hot for me b/c when I nibble on her shoulder or run my hand.... yeah, anyway - when I do those things her response is pretty hard to mistake. 

So tonite I decide to broach the subject a little verbally - and I'm not all brave and completely forward (I'm only brash like that when the inhibition's been pushed aside by the bourbon) - but she knew what I was talking about.  And she tells me she's practicing holding on the brakes and that she's trying to enjoy our time together and move slowly, not rush things like she usually does.  And the mental health person inside my head is over there madly applauding her boundaries..... while the horny fucker inside my head is slapping my forehead going, why?  why now? why with me? it's okay if we rush - please treat me just like everyone else - really!  This is the story of my life.  It really is.  Me and Murphy are related, cause my life follows his laws every single day.   I'm the person other people find change with.  arggghh.  And I can't be mad, hell I can't even be mildly upset b/c it's probably the best thing she could do for herself but I have to say i'm feeling sooooooooooooo frustrated right now.   argggghhhh. damn. damn.

Paper Television

8/8/7
Two EarthShattering Orgasms. +  Cheese fondue, salad, seafood & pork, beef, chicken, and veggie fondue, white and dark chocolate fondue. + Visit to browse the half-price bookstore. = Time spent together celebrating our love and commitment to each other.   Priceless. 

8/9/7
Coffeeshop + work + home + airport + work + therapist + work + sleep study =  time well spent.

Wow.  Sometimes I marvel at my amazing life.

Here's some happy things that have happened in my life recently:

• Remember that sale on vagina's I was looking for?  Well it never appeared and neither did the coupon for the D cups I was on the hunt for, but for the moment, My vajayjay appears to be functioning as designed.  And I was able to have some great sex this weekend. Love some orgasm, ladies and gentleman, love some orgasm.  Especially when the vajayjay has been on a medically enforced drought for almost 2 weeks.
• Cuddling, talking, dancing, and spanking....just some of the fun I enjoyed Friday night with a certain sexy lady.
• Cuddling, eating, melting into a puddle of contented goo on the sofa while watching 265 consecutive hours of shark week, followed by more eating, cuddling, and watching of Hot Fuzz.  Just some of the wonderful Saturday O'Laziness I enjoyed with H.
• Accomplished and completed a much needed task this weekend - the 3rd descent into Hell, also known as...the laundry...Yes, that's right - separated, washed, dried, and even folded, hung, and put up!  I'm amazing.  I know it. 
• Spent some time (2 whole hours) at the park with my four-legged wonder-mutts and my closest friend and her wonder-mutts, (my closest friend- who I also think of as my non-biological/non-marital related Chosen Sister).  So when I refer to her as my chosen sister in future posts, you'll know she's not my actual bio/marital sister, but my sisterly soul-mate. 

Oh, the pressure of the introductory post for this blog!  Can I stand it? To create a post that is interesting and enticing and meets the expectations of everyone (make that the no-one) who stops by to check out Pink Bizarre....
What should I write about? Sex? Roller Derby? Work? Married life? Girlfriends?  I just don't know where my non-existent readership wants me to start.  It's a challenge.  First off, if you haven't yet done so - go read my little profile biography - that'll give you an idea about whether you wanna stick around or run for the hills. 

So, I miss my hunny, he's out of town right now and not having a good time.  I was looking forward to a little alone time for myself while he's gone- introvert that I am.  Unfortunately - between roller derby, friendships, dating, and work - I seem to be booked for the rest of the week - no alone time on the schedule - my therapist warned me about this! At my last session she told me I needed to schedule time for myself in there weekly - and I whined I don't like to stick to schedules, I like the spontaneity, blah blah blather blather.  She looked at me knowingly and reiterated her point. I did warn her I was not going to do it - and here I am bemoaning the lack of time for myself.  Dammit.  I hate it when I'm stubbornly wrong. 

I am looking forward to tomorrow tho - I get to go talk to some sleep specialists about my insomnia and daytime fatigue...and then later in the evening I have a dinner date with a gal who I'm super attracted to physically and really enjoy talking to as well.  That should be fun, as long as it doesn't get canceled again.  Not that we'll get to consummate the date - my :ph: has been messed up and I'm taking v-funky medicine this week - anyone know if they're having a sale on V-J's this week at Macy's?  I could use a spare for times like this.  I have this love-hate relationship with my vagina and this week it's definitely in the hate place.

Here's what I'm reading this week....it's  an irreverent 3rd wave feminist humorous book.  It's helping me smile each day - and any little thing that does that can't be too bad!
 

Kiss My Tiara: How to Rule the World as a SmartMouth Goddess

Susan Jane Gilman