14 posts tagged “roller derby”

Loves:

• Spending time with Sm
• Silly silly time
• Learning more about my body
• Brand spanking new sex drive
• Bruises from Roller Derby
• Fuzzypaws of love

• Gray rainy cloudy chilly days
• Money. The whole concept.  The reality. The bill collectors calling.
• Feeling completely uninspired by my job, that everyone else thinks is so cool.
• Knowing I'm going to be spending alot of time hitting the concrete during our bout this weekend because we're playing a super-experienced team from a league that's 3 years older than we are.

Weeks Events:
March 19 - Learned yet again why trainers should never try to teach adult learners by reading verbatim from powerpoint slides to the students.  Had a great session with my therapist about the possible etiologies of my horrible procrastination habits.  Skipped derby practice and had a phenomenal date with Sm.

March 20th - Flooding in and around town along with confusion on my part regarding location prevented me from attending a meeting - no great loss.  Watched kids lives being changed by art - Amazing.  Had half of a fantasy fulfilled (was naked in bed, left the door unlocked and called Sm who came over, walked in, we didn't say a word to each other, just started having incredible passionate sex) until the XH interrupted in a very persistent, untimely, and unwelcome way.  Potential disaster averted by Sm & I talking about the awkwardness and then picking up where we left off.  Rushed to an event supporting women's choice, back home, then off to a dance party.

March 21st - Lunch with co-workers, picked up my scooter from storage, helped set up for Sat's bout, hung out with Sm and her friend for the rest of the evening.

March 22nd - Bout Day!  We sold out our bout for the second time - So fun!Amazing game - very well matched teams - I jammed more than anyone else on our team - 13 jams!  crazy.   We lost by 7 points - but we made them earn their win.  The funniest part for me was when I was jamming against this chick and I checked the shit out of her and she looked at me and threw up her hands and was like, "what the fuck?" as if she didn't know that jammers can check each other.  Great afterparty, except for all the March Madness folks at the bar - lame-o's didn't  know that RD is much more exciting...  I asked Sm to be my girlfriend and she said yes.  Drunkenly home + 2 hours of wild fornication = no hangover the next day!

March 23rd - My Jesus Birthday on Zombie Jesus Day!  Brunch with a league member, some  time for me, then more wonderful fornication.  off to dinner reservations and guess what?  Sm threw me a surprise party!  I've only known her for 6 weeks and she freakin threw me a surprise birthday party - how amazing is she?  I was stunned and speechless for several minutes (I have a hard time with surprises), but it was really nice.  Then home and guess what...more and more fabulous loving.  She and I cannot get enough of each other.  I haven't had a sex drive like this since I was 17.  Actually even then, I didn't have the desire to stay in bed for umpteen hours at a time.   Sm  has been kind of amazed at my ...enthusiasm...if you will...for girlsex - esp since it's fairly new to me ( & esp since i'm bi and not a full-time lezzie).  I told her I've known what I wanted in that area for a long time and I've never been shy sexually.   With the few girls I've been with before her I've actually been pretty startled at the reluctance on the part of full-time lezzie's to go down on another girl.  Cause I won't lie, I love it.  Love it.  Okay, back on track....

March 24th -  Bleh Work.  League meeting for Roller Derby.  Tempers flared, accusations between refs and players flew, people got defensive and accusatory...just another league meeting.   Feeling bunk once I got home, hard to sleep.

March 25th - woke up and went to the bathroom - oh that's why I was feeling so bunk last night.  I see.  Hormones are wonderful things, guys, truly.   Worked a bit, left early b/c of a power shut-down, saw Sm for 2/10ths of a second, hung out with my heart sister and ate way too much.  Feeling lonely once home and alone.  Fell asleep promptly tho. 

And that's a week in the life of....

At least it feels like that some days.

My health is improving, very slowly, too slowly for my impatient self, but the throat is not sore any longer and I can breathe again...I still feel pretty tired alot of the time though.  I hate illness.  It's such a crushing bore.

I'm still bored to tears by my job. Don't even want to talk about it.  peh.

Roller Derby - first time back on skates in two weeks - I expected my endurance to blow, but I actually did just fine.  We had a great scrimmage, everyone was in top form - I wish every scrimmage was like that, we'd learn alot more from each other.  I actually hurt more today than I did the day after our last bout!   All the newbies blow up my head with praise for my jamming- I'm trying to ignore it and I'm telling them that I've been skating for 1.5 years now,  a little bit of experience counts for alot in this sport.  They don't seem to hear it though.  Not to mention the mad skills of my pack - No jammer in the world scores points without some support from her pack unless the other team is for shit.  And I typically get great support from my pack - I've been really clear with my blockers about what I need/expect from them when I'm their jammer - and what they can expect from me...it seems to work out very well.  Feeling like a part of such a strong team is inspiring too.  I can't say enough positive about what roller derby brings to my life. 

Sm is still ultra sweet - we went dancing and she spent the night this weekend and it was UhMazing.   She's a little clingy, but she sort of knows where she's coming from (aware of the clingy stuff and why) and we talk about it and I think it's okay.  We're still enjoying talking and doing stuff together and hanging out in general.  So that's fun.

I'm still loving my new house and living on my own.  I was feeling very neutral about the divorce for a few weeks and this week I've had some imaginary angry little internal dialogs with XH and his gf's - I went through about 3 dialogs in two days without even realizing it - now I'm thinking about the dialogs and wondering if I'm touching the anger phase of grief again, mildly?  The thing about phases is that we humans not only move forward through them, but we also move backward through them and even hopscotch around in them a bit.  It's rather annoying when you feel as if you've finished something and then oh, wait, yes, wait, yes, you're there again.  And you're like, wait, this is familiar, haven't I done this already?  I thought I was through with this?  But no.  I'm not completely through with it.  Because I'm here again.  Fuckers.   But I sense that this phase is so mild that it will be pretty short lived.  And that makes me feel good.  And continually hopeful.
 

Unchained

Johnny Cash

I’ve been absent for quite a while. Fortunately, I did not:

• Fall off a cliff and die.
• Become rendered quadriplegic by a severe car accident.
• Succumb to an internet stalker who tracked me down and murdered me.

What I did do was:

• Successfully purchase a new home.
• Move into said new home.  (with New couch (red leather!), New bed, and New washer & dryer!!)
• Participate in our first Roller Derby bout this season and score the most points. (thanks to my incredibly awesome pack of blockers & pivot – who rendered the competition into swiss cheese)

I also had a tremendous experience the night of the bout.  It was really great and started my independent single life off just right. 

And then I met a girl later in the week…Sm…who I warned and warned about myself…but she just won’t listen.  So we’re texting every day and seeing each other frequently and I’m not falling for her and she’s not falling for me and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  Achingly honest, very forthright, consistent with her moods, and thoughts, and actions (OMG, I didn’t know there were single people out there who actually did what they said they were going to do).  Really pretty and sexy whether she’s femmed up or butched out (she doesn’t take either to extremes – it’s actually a subtle transition).  Smells good.  And oh so tender.   

Way too soon.  But very tender.  We’ve agreed that as long as we’re both smiling, it’s okay.  Nothing more than that promised or tendered.   We’ll see. 

But I’M SINGLE!!!

And I OWN MY OWN HOME!!!

I might start loving my life soon. 

I have so much to do in January I think I'm going to lose my mind!  At least I currently have the energy to tackle everything since I'm pretty refreshed from my visit to Florida.
Here's what I've got on my plate:

Work:

• I'm coordinating everything for a Huge meeting for work next week.
• The following week the reason I have a job starts up again full speed, which means oodles of phone calls and paperwork.
  
• The week after that a Huge exhibition starts, luckily I don't run that, but it's all hands on deck.
• I've also got to schedule a big meeting for February, and start the process of developing a professional development seminar for June.  Oh, and re-imagine my program and develop a timeline to implement my vision.  that's all.
  

• I've got to pack everything to move and organize at the same time.

• I've got to retain a title company and set up the closing.
  
• I've got to send my resume out so I can get a second job to be able to live on my own.  And hopefully start interviewing soon.
• I've got to move in at the end of this month.

• Get quotes for our uniforms.
• Measure all the girls.
  
• order all the uniforms
• heat transfer all the vinyl names and numbers
• Order new wheels and kneepads for myself so that I don't kill my knees on the concrete and so that I don't slide all over the place while skating on cold slick concrete.
  
• get in bouting shape in one month by attending 3 practices a week.
  
• bout on the same weekend I'm closing on my new home and moving in. 
  

• Personal life?  what personal life?  you're kidding right?
  

Florida – my hometown, where I grew up.  I miss the sun and warmth, the proximity of lakes and beaches, the lack of slush and ice and bone-chilling cold.  I don’t miss the poorly planned roadways, the snarled traffic, the grade A indifference.  Everything in life is a trade-off.

I still have contact with one friend down here, S, and we meet up at least once when I visit.  She and I were bff in high school, but it didn’t last much beyond that and then I moved away.  By chance we re-connected a couple of years ago and in a way it’s like we never missed a beat.  It’s fun to see her and hang out when I’m in town.  Last night S wanted to visit a friend of hers, P, whom she hadn’t seen in over a year.  Just by happenstance, I’m sure, he also happens to be an ex of mine from way way back in the day.  I was just out of my teens the last time I saw him.  For several years, I thought about P off and on, but not for the past few years.  When S mentioned going to see him, I agreed, mostly out of curiosity.  I always wonder what happens to people after the passage of time.  In his case, it isn’t pretty.  I was a little startled to see that P’s gotten a big beer belly and fat jowls on his once handsome face.  And his work – he was a very talented guy – his work has not grown and matured like his belly has.  That saddened me – I had hoped that P had developed his talents into something more.  And to see this guy who was once very handsome and rather vain about it; to see him let himself go to seed, it’s sobering.  I know P’s had his issues over the years and S seems to think that he’s not currently ‘clean’ (tho she didn’t know what it was that he might be using), but for some reason I had more faith that his pride would keep him from letting himself and his talent go.  P is still a young guy, only 3 or 4 years older than I am, but he looks 10 years older than his age.   Anyway, I felt sad for the guy he once was and when I got home last night, I went ahead and rubbed one out for the guy I once knew and cared about.  Seemed a fitting memorial for a guy who no longer exists except in memory ; >

I have noticed that since I’ve been away from home, my sex drive has come back alive.  I masturbated last night to a memory and then twice today while fantasizing about having strap-on sex with a fellow derby girl – someone I flirt with regularly, but have not pursued.    I don’t know if I will pursue her or not, I’ve thought about it and I’m pretty sure she has too, but I think right now I want to keep my options open.  And the flirting is really fun in it’s own way.  

In other news, this vacation has been wonderful for me – a chance to breathe.  I’ve had some sobering financial realizations and my mom has a really difficult time not breathing down my neck about things she thinks I should accomplish while I’m here, but overall, I needed the break from the marriage/impending divorce situation in a bad bad way.    I knew I would feel better once H and I were not living together anymore and just getting away for a week has confirmed that like crazy – it will be all I can do to go home and go back into marital purgatory for the next 5 weeks until I get my new house.   I’m just going to have to breathe calmly and slowly through each day, I guess.   

when I'm running, not just when I'm skating!  (see previous post for details about my klutzyness)

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

IMG00118.jpg

Even though our relationship has only been in place for a little more than a year, I feel that we've shared so much.  I was with you from virtually the beginning and I gave you everything I had that first year.  It's been a mad rollercoaster and despite my love for you, there was a time this fall when I did not know if we could continue together.  I was feeling exhausted and unappreciated and just sick about all of the time and energy I put towards you, while getting not much of anything back (with the exception of snarky comments and name-calling).  I knew I couldn't live with that so I took a break. Call it a trial separation, if you will. 

At first, I didn't miss you at all.  I sighed with relief when I heard other people bitching about you because I didn't have to see you.  And then...then...insidiously...thoughts of you began to creep back.  I found myself hanging on every word others said about you.  I pumped people for information about how you were doing and what was going on in your world.  Finally, I took the first step...I came back, just to watch you in action, just once.  But that wasn't enough.  I had to be closer...So I strapped my skates back on. And I skated with you.  It happened.  I felt myself falling for you again.  I had to take two weeks off skates after that first practice because I was sick, and I almost couldn't bear it.  I missed you.

So I recovered from my illness and went back again, on Monday.  I didn't get to skate with you, but I was able to spend time with you, hanging out, talking about the future ahead.  And all day today, all I can think about, is coming to see you tonight.  And skating in my first full practice since our last bout in September.  You're on my mind constantly.  I think...I really think I'm falling back in love with you, Derby.  It's true.

This doesn't mean I want to join the board again, or get involved in all of the snarky things that led to my original heartache...really all I want to do is skate with you.  I'll pass out some flyers and help with uniforms and work some events...just to keep up my end of the relationship...but you're too important for me to burn myself out on again.  I just really want to skate.  Derby, you have my heart.  <3<3

I might see some hope...a glimmer, a gleam, a possibility of promise. I've never been good about the whole glass-full thing, but I usually can at least appreciate that I have some water.  But lately...that half-empty glass and I have been sitting in the middle of the Sahara with no oasis in sight.  Dry, parched, me staring at the half-empty glass, taking tiny sips and watching it slowly evaporate away.  So it's nice to see a glimmer on the horizon and imagine it's an island of  water and palms waiting for my arrival. 

My insurance approved my Lunesta, which means I could get 8+ hours of sleep for a whole month!  with no interruptions!  The possibilities are boggling.  I might be able to take over the world if I got enough sleep.
I've bumped my antidepressant back up to normal (my doctors and I had cut the dose in half to see if that decreased the RLS - it didn't, but it probably did increase the mass gloom of hopelessness and doubt that descended over me this week)...so I'm anticipating a mild positive upswing in my mood.
H and I are going to start couples therapy, so I don't feel like our relationship is doomed...that's never a heartening feeling when it involves someone you love.  There might be a path for us from this heartache to something positive.
I'm getting a handle on my work responsibilities.  And I only saw my boss once this week.  That's sure nice.  I don't miss her.
Next week I start taking the hormones that cause my ovaries to burst forth with multiple eggs to donate to my heart-sister.  The fertility doc said the hormones should make me feel pretty good.  I'm looking forward to that - if not the cycle of giving myself 2-3 shots daily.
I'm starting to have just the slightest interest in what's going on at roller derby...a good sign that when I'm able to return (after the egg extraction) I might actually want to see all those women again and skate with them. My complete burn-out is slowly easing, and I'm glad.  I love to skate and I'm a good skater and I should be out there...I just have to not invest so much of myself emotionally that I get overwhelmed and act like a bitch. And then feel guilty about it.  Cause that's no good.   But skating again...that's good.  I think I'm going to be excited to go back. 

Just so nobody thinks someone other than Pink Bizarre is writing this blog...(I wouldn't want anyone to get too happy on my account)  I do have to get a root canal on Sunday.  And BTW.  That sucks.    But I'm gonna ask for nitrous oxide and float on a little cloud while he's grinding around in there.  So again...that gleam of hope...

I'll try not to look any horses in the mouth this weekend.

The Anti 9-to-5 Guide: Practical Career Advice for Women Who Think Outside the Cube

Michelle Goodman

I'm at the prom for my roller derby season...that's right, the prom was held where I work, so I snuck away up to my office to log in and post.  Does that tell you anything?  My feelings are pretty hurt right now.  I've been telling H that I wanted him to attend for a couple of weeks now.  And right up to this afternoon he was hemming and hawing.  This afternoon he was talking about ditching the prom and going up to Indy to see some young piece of ass.  That really hurt my feelings.  When I finally got  him talked into going (I was already at the prom and begging him to come, word), he stays just for the awards, then rushes off to see his gf.  My feelings are really hurt.  This was a hard night for me to come out anyway - I had really mixed feelings about attending the prom b/c the last week of the season was really shitty - people were so nasty, I just had a bad feeling in my mouth.  And now I'm here and the awards are awarded and I feel like shit.  I hate this.  And the kicker...I came up to my office to be alone...to cry by myself, so no-one would see...and one of my co-workers is still here.  So I can't really cry by myself (my office is actually a sizable cubicle).  But I guess I should feel bad for her too - she's here at work at 9.53pm on a friday night!