2 posts tagged “relationships”

My heart sister and have lengthy discussions about our relationships with other people in our lives, family, friends, co-workers etc.  In some of these discussions, we've talked about some people in our lives that we love and we want to be able to share everything with openheartedly, but we've found that it's just not safe.  These particular people love and care about us as well, but they're not able to love us without a cost. Their style of love sometimes leaves us bleeding. 

My heart sister calls these people sharks and whenever she's tempted to lay herself bare before one, she reminds herself that she's likely to end up bleeding if she does so, regardless of how much she wants things to be different. Regardless of how much she wants them to be able to love her in the way that people need to be loved...in a safe way, with teeth filed down or remaining behind lips; they're not capable of it, their defenses are too well honed to allow it.  I can be a shark sometimes myself and it's taken me a long time to learn how to file my teeth down and keep them behind my lips with people I love and care about, but it's definitely been a lesson worth learning and continuing to practice. 

I'm reminded of this today because my girl Sm's mother got really nasty with her last night and tore her all sorts of new gashes.  Sm is someone who puts her heart on a platter to serve freely to people around her and seems especially vulnerable to sharks.  Especially when they're family.  She's told me a little bit about the fight and how her mothers words hurt her and it made me think about the shark conversations I've had with my heart sister.  Sm's mom is definitely a shark in mom's clothing.  I hate that for her.  

Sharks patrol these waters
Sharks patrol these waters
Don't let your fingers dangle in the water
And don't you worry about the day glow orange life preserver
It won't save you
It won't save you
Swim for the shores just as fast as your able
Swim like a mother fucker, swim!
Fast as that seen ships to now
The ever glorious now the ever present now
Drenched in flower and deep-fat-fried
And cooled on paper towels and then devoured
You know, I spent 15 years in a life raft
15 years in a life raft and now I got something to say
Stay in your life boats people,
Stay in your life boats people.
It's murder out there murder out there
Sharks patrol these waters
Sharks patrol these waters, hey!
Don't you worry about the dayglow orange life preserver
It won't save you
It won't save you
Swim for the shores just as fast as your able, swim!

Artist: Morphine
Song: Sharks
Album: Yes

Oy.  Things are pretty good, I’m still smiling on a regular basis, but things are starting to get complicated with my new lover.  We’re still having a great time both out of and in bed, for sure, but we’re grappling with her insecurities and my lack of emotional availability on a regular basis. 

I really like Sm, she’s a smart cookie who writes very well and is extremely creative.  We talk a lot but can just sit there quietly with each other as well.  She’s honest and forthright and dependable.  She has a lot of diverse interests and genuinely likes people of all shapes sizes genders ethnicities and orientations, so important!  She’s got a huge heart and is willing to share it.  She’s fun and silly and I definitely need some of that in my life – I’m too “mature” most of the time and have a hard time just being fun and silly with someone…but she and I together are good at that. We tease and wrestle and make faces…childlike maybe, but I’ve always been way too in touch with my inner adolescent and inner grown up and not nearly in touch enough with my inner 7 year old.  Sm’s very pretty and turns me on like crazy…I won’t get graphic, but I love to touch her and hold her and …well, I really like all of that with her. 

She doesn’t feel the same way about herself though.  She tells me she doesn’t know why someone like me is with someone like her.   When I compliment her or tell her the things I like about her, she blows it off.  She’s very sensitive about her appearance and her body, even to the point of expressing hatred about body parts that I really think are great.  I finally asked her how she would feel if, right after she complimented me, I started talking about the things I dislike about myself …and she agreed that she would stop making disparaging remarks about herself.  But I know those thoughts are still rocking around inside her head.   And some of her feelings have a lot to do with the way people have treated her in the past – how else do we pick up so much baggage, but in shitty relationships/interactions with others?  But….it is getting complicated.

She’s caring about me and talking about that and wanting to know how I feel about her.  And I feel as much for her as I’m capable of feeling about anyone that I’m intimate with (not just sexual, but intimate) right now.  Which is probably not enough.  She deserves more than I can give, she deserves someone who can fling themselves headlong into a long-term relationship with her.  And I simply cannot emotionally commit much right now.  I wish I had more to give her than just “I like you, we’re dating, we’re lovers and friends and I'll respect the boundaries we agreed to.” I could pretend.  But I won’t – that would be dishonest and disrespectful.  I’ve been completely forthright about what I have and don’t have to offer her, emotionally and otherwise, and she’s chosen to stick around anyway.

And my inability to give her more has nothing at all to do with who she is and what she’s about and everything to do with my particular circumstances right now.  Just having ended an 11 year relationship.  On the heels of all the other life change I’ve had over the past 3 years.   That renders my emotional well dry at the moment.  I’m not in mourning for the relationship that just ended… I started mourning that relationship a year ago, well before the word divorce ever entered the equation…so I’ve passed through most of the stages of grief and am starting over.  But that doesn’t mean that I’m refreshed emotionally yet.  Especially since I was in significant emotional pain right up to the day I moved out.   

Since that day a little over a month ago, I’ve felt pretty great almost every day…my mood has been so consistently positive it’s amazing.  And I’m pretty relieved to find that by doing all of the work in my head and heart over the last year…I don’t have to do nearly as much now that it’s over.  But I don’t know how much complication I can handle right now.  I’m doing okay so far, I told her the other night that red flags and nauseous feelings haven’t come up…after that they did a little…but I’m okay.  It’s a fine line for both of us right now.   I’m scared of committing more in the moment than I have to give in the long run and then realizing that and taking off for the hills…and she’s scared of being really hurt by my doing that.  Legitimate fears on both sides. 

Oh well.  We’re both talking a lot and that’s the best we can do right now.  We’re both still smiling a lot too, so that’s good.