7 posts tagged “love”

Loathes:

• Constipation
• Money
• Losing weight

• Olives
• Whines
  

• Hold times
• My doggies, the fuzzypaws of love
• Hanging out with friends

• female ejaculation
• Helping surprise my chosen sister for her birthday
• IKEA

Loves:

• Spending time with Sm
• Silly silly time
• Learning more about my body
• Brand spanking new sex drive
• Bruises from Roller Derby
• Fuzzypaws of love

• Gray rainy cloudy chilly days
• Money. The whole concept.  The reality. The bill collectors calling.
• Feeling completely uninspired by my job, that everyone else thinks is so cool.
• Knowing I'm going to be spending alot of time hitting the concrete during our bout this weekend because we're playing a super-experienced team from a league that's 3 years older than we are.

• H - I love H...I hate where we've been for months.  This weekend together was so bittersweet.  Each day there were hours of fun and then feeling like my heart would break - Can we not find and keep the first part of that cycle and ditch the latter? I wish we could find the key.
  
• FuzzyPaws of love - thank you sweetheart for bringing a smile to my face every single day.  I couldn't ask for a better child.
• Ms. Beautiful - I hope I can see her tonight, she helps me smile.  It's not psycho-lust attraction, (kind of thankful, those have never resulted in anything but heartbreak for me), it's a sweet fascination, a crushy appreciation, a gentle swoon of attraction.  mmmmmm.
  
• 3 shots a day, 3 blood draws and 3 ultrasounds this week...heart sister, I love you and I would do it for you again if I had to.  It will be worth it to see your face when your pregnancy test shows positive.  And when you're holding your new infant(s) in your arms.  No question in my mind.
  
• My boss resigned today.  I'm ambivalent - she's not the best boss in the world, but it could be alot worse...
• I've been sleeping pretty well.  I got something like 30 hours of sleep this weekend.  It's kind of lovely.  I insomniac'd last night, but I'm not suffering a sleep debt today. 
  

So I haven't posted about my sex/love/lust life in awhile.  It's hard to feel sexy when you feel like your eyelids are being propped open by toothpicks.

Synopsis: 

• Lost interest in M.  Very sweet lady, but nothing in common unless our clothes were off and her mouth was shut.  Unfortunate but true.  We both deserve to be spending time with people we share interests and concerns with.
• Continued to have interest in former ladyfriend, but got tired of being jerked around.  I'll call you...maybe.  I'll call you...maybe.  I'll call you...maybe.  - Um...don't bother.  With that behavior, you're just reinforcing my decision to cut things off.  I have feelings, you know? Oh, and be nice to your friends please - they deserve it.   I really like you, but I hate the way you act towards myself and others sometimes. It hurts. Really.  It does.
  
• Continuing negative emotions around my H's seeing other women.  Resulting in a significant lack of sexual interest towards him.  We're talking about it, processing everything, but I feel most comfortable choosing not to engage in sex with him right now.  That's what he's got a gf for, right? right.
  
• Haven't met anyone new who I have the slightest interest in for awhile.  Definitely not looking in the right places, but I'm not sure where the right places are.
  
• Last night I made kissy-face with a girl H and I have been friends with for several years - I've had a crush on her for a long time.  It was very hott.  yes, that's right...hott.  with two t's. She's a great kisser.  But we were both inebriated and she's in the middle of a big break-up and working through alot of shit right now...so who knows how she feels about things today.  I'll be her friend, as always, no matter what, but if she needs a bit of affection and distraction from her brain without any emotional strings...I'd like to be first in line =). 
  
• At some point, I need to find a girl who's not in the middle of a break-up.  Who is not scared of me.  Who is hot and smart and somewhat mature. Who can accept my situation.  Who is somewhat reliable and somewhat stable and somewhat ....something. I don't know.  I'm not sure she exists.  At least in my small town.  sigh.  I'm probably not ready for her yet...but I hope she shows up sometime in the next year or two.  and hangs out for a month or two.  one and two night stands will get boring after awhile.
  

I’ve been in Love, capital L, romantic, intimate Love, two times in my life.  The second time, lucky for me, is with my husband.   It’s a Love that has most definitely stood the many tests of time.

The first time I fell in love though, I was 16.  I met this guy, I’ll call him D, through mutual friends and it was most definitely obsession at first sight.  We had a short, intense, and fiery love affair, as much as 16 year olds can carry out such a thing.  Later we discovered that neither of us had clear recollections of our first encounter, we both just had this sense of being hit with a mack truck of intensity and connection.   D and I became inseparable almost immediately, connecting mentally, and emotionally, and sexually in an amazing and overwhelming way. Shortly into our relationship, like days after we had sex for the first time, we were exchanging I love you’s….and D was saying things to me along the lines of:  he didn't deserve me, I was too good for him, his love for me was scary, etc.  He repeated statements like these many times during our relationship. I was very calm and mellow with him when he would say these things to me, telling him that I knew who he was, good and not, and he was someone I loved and wanted to be with.  And when he started talking about us being married– I was able to tell him not to look so far into the future – we were both not even 17 at that point.  I knew that we were not ready to even be talking about that stuff, even though I was head over heels about him. As it turned out, I was right.  The love affair lasted only months because what he did with his feelings for me was to destroy the relationship and thoroughly break my heart.  He did this because he didn’t know what to do with the intensity of his feelings towards me; I knew that even then.  He was generally a self-destructive type, very intelligent with a creative way of lacking insight and good judgment in general.  I was good at finding those back then.

I said all that to say this:  I’ve been in a relationship with a lady who told me throughout the time that we’ve been together that she didn’t know what to do with her feelings about me, she was worried about her feelings for me, I made her nervous and she didn’t know what to do with me.   And I was fairly infatuated with her myself, developing a friendship, starting to really care about her – so I stuck in there with her, enjoying her company and her smarts, and her sexiness, reassuring her where I could…

Sounding familiar?  Yeah. 

Can you guess the outcome yet? Yeah. 
Dial down the intensity by half and replace the 16 year old first Love with a 30+ year old major Crush/affection…and there you have it.  Can I just tell you that while my heart is not broken (though I feel very hurt), - this situation is no fun the second time around either.

Note to self….
If someone tells me they don’t know what to do with me – I should take their word for it.  They’re telling the truth and shouldn’t be entrusted with my feelings, because they really don’t know what to do with them.  Even though I don’t want to hear it, and don’t want to believe it…it’s true.  

8/8/7
Two EarthShattering Orgasms. +  Cheese fondue, salad, seafood & pork, beef, chicken, and veggie fondue, white and dark chocolate fondue. + Visit to browse the half-price bookstore. = Time spent together celebrating our love and commitment to each other.   Priceless. 

8/9/7
Coffeeshop + work + home + airport + work + therapist + work + sleep study =  time well spent.

Wow.  Sometimes I marvel at my amazing life.

To me and H!  Eleven Years.  I can hardly believe it.  I never imagined I would meet the love of my life at age 21.  Nor would I have ever believed how difficult a truly lasting intimate relationship can be.  Every day is worth it- even my worst, most crud-filled unhappy days.  H inspires me to be a better person every day - to grow with and around and even away from him sometimes.  He inspires me to constantly think...about everything important in my life.  He inspires me to continue learning every day and all the time - about him, about me, about us, about life in general.  He inspires me to reach out and develop new relationships, to stretch my arms and legs and torso out in every conceivable direction - especially when my natural instincts would have me pulling in all of my limbs and curling up in a little ball.  He's an amazing person, with the capacity to find joy in the smallest things and the largest.  He brings humor to every situation and livens any group he's a part of.  Those things inspire me. He's attractive and talented and ambitious and humble and always always looking for a new way to challenge himself.  He's uber masculine and can embody the most feminine of traits.  We explore so much together, I cannot imagine who I would be if I hadn't spent the last 11 years with this man.  That's all.  The way we are together, there aren't any other words. 
I love you, H.  I love you.  Thank you for choosing the spend the last eleven years with me.  I hope to spend our lifetime together.  I love  you.