3 posts tagged “lesbian”

Weeks Events:
March 19 - Learned yet again why trainers should never try to teach adult learners by reading verbatim from powerpoint slides to the students.  Had a great session with my therapist about the possible etiologies of my horrible procrastination habits.  Skipped derby practice and had a phenomenal date with Sm.

March 20th - Flooding in and around town along with confusion on my part regarding location prevented me from attending a meeting - no great loss.  Watched kids lives being changed by art - Amazing.  Had half of a fantasy fulfilled (was naked in bed, left the door unlocked and called Sm who came over, walked in, we didn't say a word to each other, just started having incredible passionate sex) until the XH interrupted in a very persistent, untimely, and unwelcome way.  Potential disaster averted by Sm & I talking about the awkwardness and then picking up where we left off.  Rushed to an event supporting women's choice, back home, then off to a dance party.

March 21st - Lunch with co-workers, picked up my scooter from storage, helped set up for Sat's bout, hung out with Sm and her friend for the rest of the evening.

March 22nd - Bout Day!  We sold out our bout for the second time - So fun!Amazing game - very well matched teams - I jammed more than anyone else on our team - 13 jams!  crazy.   We lost by 7 points - but we made them earn their win.  The funniest part for me was when I was jamming against this chick and I checked the shit out of her and she looked at me and threw up her hands and was like, "what the fuck?" as if she didn't know that jammers can check each other.  Great afterparty, except for all the March Madness folks at the bar - lame-o's didn't  know that RD is much more exciting...  I asked Sm to be my girlfriend and she said yes.  Drunkenly home + 2 hours of wild fornication = no hangover the next day!

March 23rd - My Jesus Birthday on Zombie Jesus Day!  Brunch with a league member, some  time for me, then more wonderful fornication.  off to dinner reservations and guess what?  Sm threw me a surprise party!  I've only known her for 6 weeks and she freakin threw me a surprise birthday party - how amazing is she?  I was stunned and speechless for several minutes (I have a hard time with surprises), but it was really nice.  Then home and guess what...more and more fabulous loving.  She and I cannot get enough of each other.  I haven't had a sex drive like this since I was 17.  Actually even then, I didn't have the desire to stay in bed for umpteen hours at a time.   Sm  has been kind of amazed at my ...enthusiasm...if you will...for girlsex - esp since it's fairly new to me ( & esp since i'm bi and not a full-time lezzie).  I told her I've known what I wanted in that area for a long time and I've never been shy sexually.   With the few girls I've been with before her I've actually been pretty startled at the reluctance on the part of full-time lezzie's to go down on another girl.  Cause I won't lie, I love it.  Love it.  Okay, back on track....

March 24th -  Bleh Work.  League meeting for Roller Derby.  Tempers flared, accusations between refs and players flew, people got defensive and accusatory...just another league meeting.   Feeling bunk once I got home, hard to sleep.

March 25th - woke up and went to the bathroom - oh that's why I was feeling so bunk last night.  I see.  Hormones are wonderful things, guys, truly.   Worked a bit, left early b/c of a power shut-down, saw Sm for 2/10ths of a second, hung out with my heart sister and ate way too much.  Feeling lonely once home and alone.  Fell asleep promptly tho. 

And that's a week in the life of....

So I haven't posted about my sex/love/lust life in awhile.  It's hard to feel sexy when you feel like your eyelids are being propped open by toothpicks.

Synopsis: 

• Lost interest in M.  Very sweet lady, but nothing in common unless our clothes were off and her mouth was shut.  Unfortunate but true.  We both deserve to be spending time with people we share interests and concerns with.
• Continued to have interest in former ladyfriend, but got tired of being jerked around.  I'll call you...maybe.  I'll call you...maybe.  I'll call you...maybe.  - Um...don't bother.  With that behavior, you're just reinforcing my decision to cut things off.  I have feelings, you know? Oh, and be nice to your friends please - they deserve it.   I really like you, but I hate the way you act towards myself and others sometimes. It hurts. Really.  It does.
  
• Continuing negative emotions around my H's seeing other women.  Resulting in a significant lack of sexual interest towards him.  We're talking about it, processing everything, but I feel most comfortable choosing not to engage in sex with him right now.  That's what he's got a gf for, right? right.
  
• Haven't met anyone new who I have the slightest interest in for awhile.  Definitely not looking in the right places, but I'm not sure where the right places are.
  
• Last night I made kissy-face with a girl H and I have been friends with for several years - I've had a crush on her for a long time.  It was very hott.  yes, that's right...hott.  with two t's. She's a great kisser.  But we were both inebriated and she's in the middle of a big break-up and working through alot of shit right now...so who knows how she feels about things today.  I'll be her friend, as always, no matter what, but if she needs a bit of affection and distraction from her brain without any emotional strings...I'd like to be first in line =). 
  
• At some point, I need to find a girl who's not in the middle of a break-up.  Who is not scared of me.  Who is hot and smart and somewhat mature. Who can accept my situation.  Who is somewhat reliable and somewhat stable and somewhat ....something. I don't know.  I'm not sure she exists.  At least in my small town.  sigh.  I'm probably not ready for her yet...but I hope she shows up sometime in the next year or two.  and hangs out for a month or two.  one and two night stands will get boring after awhile.
  

I've been talking to a good friend alot lately about my experiences over the past year.  My life has felt more chaotic and up-heaved than it has in two years.  I've felt more conflict and pain than I have in a long time.  I'm coping with it better than I've ever been able to before - no sinking into major depression for weeks, no isolating myself for long periods of time from those who love and care about me...I've managed to stay connected to the important people (and sometimes not so important people) in my life so as to not fall down the rabbit hole.  And that's really good. It says alot about the hard work I've done with my therapist to try and change life-long patterns of unhealthy coping into more healthy coping.  But I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and with where my life is at right now.  Just because I'm dealing with it better than I would have a year ago doesn't mean it's not intensely painful and difficult. 

One of the issues that is painful for me right now is my sexual identity.  I've known about my bisexual tendencies since I was pretty young, but never actively pursued sex with women until recently.  I've really enjoyed being with women this summer and have discovered that it is something that is important to me, something I don't want to give up. 

As you know, dear reader, I am married to a man, someone I care very deeply for and want to share the rest of my life with...and you also know that we have opened up our marriage this year so that we can both see other women.  I struggle with this a bit, because H is so charming and charismatic that he literally has women vying for his attention all the time.  I've made it clear that I won't "vy" for his attention - I need him to give that attention to me without my prompting - as I do for him.  We've had some bumps in the road, but we're talking through them so far. 

Where the rub comes in...so to speak...is the fact that he's convinced, deep down, that I'm not in fact, bisexual, but that I'm a lesbian.  And in fact, so does my friend that I've been talking to this week - and probably a few other lesbians who may have their own agendas where I'm concerned.   This is painful for me.  This knowledge that people I'm close to, people I love and care about, are trying to put me in a slot that isn't right for me, at least not right now.  The process of trying to figure out my sexual identity is complicated by the fact that ...I'm a complicated person.  I've never fit neatly into anyone's stereotype or box or slot.  And while I'm trying to figure things out for myself...one thing I do know is that right now, the term :lesbian: is not right for me.  could it be in the future?  it's possible.  But that's not where I'm at at this point in time.  And while H and my friends have been fairly respectful of my self-identifying as Bi- I hate that underlying that, they're just convinced that I haven't come all the way out of the closet yet. It hurts.  I don't know whether it's true or not..I don't know if a year from now my heart will be telling me that I'm a lesbian.  All I know is that right now...that's not where I am.  And that's all I can deal with...is the right now.  the present.   

Plus - I feel like it would be real easy to tie everything up with a neat little lesbian bow...okay, here's the solution - I'm not hetero, I'm a lezzie - now I'll get all lezzie friends and immerse myself in the subculture and that'll be that.  Decision made.    But that doesn't feel right to me, that's not what's in my heart.  What's in my heart is a whole heck of alot more complicated...and don't you all think I hate that?  Don't you all think I would love to have a neat little pat answer?  A nice move from black to white, with no amorphous gray?  Don't you think I know that that would be alot easier if that was the way things are? 

This hurts, this is painful, this is a big complicated gray area, this is uncomfortable, this is LONELY, this is so many things...Don't you think I would choose otherwise if it were a choice like that?   Cause, Hello, I would.  I so so would choose the easy black to white solution if I felt that that were valid and possible for me. 

Clean, clear cut answers have never reflected the complexity of me.  And unfortunately, I don't think they ever will.  I wish they could.  I truly wish that everything in my life didn't have to be the hard way.  Could I just get some support for making the difficult adult decisions that are complicated and painful and yet reflect where my heart is right now?  Please?