4 posts tagged “hope”

At least it feels like that some days.

My health is improving, very slowly, too slowly for my impatient self, but the throat is not sore any longer and I can breathe again...I still feel pretty tired alot of the time though.  I hate illness.  It's such a crushing bore.

I'm still bored to tears by my job. Don't even want to talk about it.  peh.

Roller Derby - first time back on skates in two weeks - I expected my endurance to blow, but I actually did just fine.  We had a great scrimmage, everyone was in top form - I wish every scrimmage was like that, we'd learn alot more from each other.  I actually hurt more today than I did the day after our last bout!   All the newbies blow up my head with praise for my jamming- I'm trying to ignore it and I'm telling them that I've been skating for 1.5 years now,  a little bit of experience counts for alot in this sport.  They don't seem to hear it though.  Not to mention the mad skills of my pack - No jammer in the world scores points without some support from her pack unless the other team is for shit.  And I typically get great support from my pack - I've been really clear with my blockers about what I need/expect from them when I'm their jammer - and what they can expect from me...it seems to work out very well.  Feeling like a part of such a strong team is inspiring too.  I can't say enough positive about what roller derby brings to my life. 

Sm is still ultra sweet - we went dancing and she spent the night this weekend and it was UhMazing.   She's a little clingy, but she sort of knows where she's coming from (aware of the clingy stuff and why) and we talk about it and I think it's okay.  We're still enjoying talking and doing stuff together and hanging out in general.  So that's fun.

I'm still loving my new house and living on my own.  I was feeling very neutral about the divorce for a few weeks and this week I've had some imaginary angry little internal dialogs with XH and his gf's - I went through about 3 dialogs in two days without even realizing it - now I'm thinking about the dialogs and wondering if I'm touching the anger phase of grief again, mildly?  The thing about phases is that we humans not only move forward through them, but we also move backward through them and even hopscotch around in them a bit.  It's rather annoying when you feel as if you've finished something and then oh, wait, yes, wait, yes, you're there again.  And you're like, wait, this is familiar, haven't I done this already?  I thought I was through with this?  But no.  I'm not completely through with it.  Because I'm here again.  Fuckers.   But I sense that this phase is so mild that it will be pretty short lived.  And that makes me feel good.  And continually hopeful.
 

Unchained

Johnny Cash

Well today, Thursday, is my first day back at work since my root canal on Sunday.  The past week has been an adventure, filled with swollen tender lymph nodes, a hard swollen lump on the outside of my jaw,  inability to open my mouth wider than an inch, interesting attempts at eating due to the aforementioned mouth issue, and general feelings of malaise and exhaustion.  The swelling is finally receding, I no longer appear to have another chin growing under my left jaw, and I am starting to have energy again.  The hard swollen lump on the outside of my jaw is still there, but it's beginning to decrease in size as well.  I can actually open my mouth wide enough to get a decent bite of food in there.  I might be over the hump, kids.   If I can continue to fight the good fight against the inevetable result (for women anyway) of taking 2 different super strong antibiotics - all will be well in the House of Pink Bizarre again soon.  

My sister came to visit this week, and though I did not have super amounts of energy to entertain her with, we had a terrific visit.  She is growing into a fabulous young woman, starting to trust her own instincts, and trust that others can love her as she is.  I really enjoyed spending time with her - for the first time in a long time.  I feel that I can safely say that she felt the same way. 

She also took my cats with her.  That's right, the cats that H and I are madly allergic to, the cats that I've been trying to find a home for...for over a year now...they're hers now.  I'm overjoyed.  It's amazing.  I don't actually believe it's real that they're gone.  I'll miss them, but the positives of not owning them anymore cannot be underestimated.  Bless her heart. 

And it's looking like I'll be able to buy the house I want.  Which means I'll be able to move out of the house that H and I share in a reasonable amount of time.  And get out of this weird purgatory in which H and I have decided to divorce, yet still live together and have to pretend on some level that things are sort of normal in order to continue maintaining our sanity.  Things might actually be falling into place.  I don't really trust it, but I have some hope again.  And that's a good thing.   It's been a dark dark time for me recently, but I'm starting to believe that there might actually be a light at the end of this long tunnel. 

I shouldn't be...I drank too much last night and ate white castle's at an obscene hour of the morning...got less than 4 hours of sleep, still have a mild headache...had to give myself a shot in the belly first thing.  I lost my wallet last night after paying for white castle and have no idea where it could be. It's been rainy and cloudy for 5 days... I should feel like roadkill right now.  Roadkill that's a week or two old and so tattered it's losing it's stink.  But I don't.

I'm feeling pretty good.
H has made us an appt with a couples therapist.  He and I haven't fought in days.  And I'm starting to feel more tender and loving towards him than I have in weeks.
My heart sister and I were given the green light on the egg production, so I've started the hormones today (which the doctor told me should make me feel very good - no argument there- bring it on!).  No drinking for two weeks - it'll be a very good hiatus for me. 
Last night I had the privilege of making kissy face with someone who is probably the most beautiful woman I've ever touched lips to.  And she's sweet as pie, cool as hell, and fun to be around.  And she and H each think the other one hung the moon. 
Not accomplishing much at work, but my boss is off my back this week, which is very nice.
I even feel a bit hopeful about the future.

I might see some hope...a glimmer, a gleam, a possibility of promise. I've never been good about the whole glass-full thing, but I usually can at least appreciate that I have some water.  But lately...that half-empty glass and I have been sitting in the middle of the Sahara with no oasis in sight.  Dry, parched, me staring at the half-empty glass, taking tiny sips and watching it slowly evaporate away.  So it's nice to see a glimmer on the horizon and imagine it's an island of  water and palms waiting for my arrival. 

My insurance approved my Lunesta, which means I could get 8+ hours of sleep for a whole month!  with no interruptions!  The possibilities are boggling.  I might be able to take over the world if I got enough sleep.
I've bumped my antidepressant back up to normal (my doctors and I had cut the dose in half to see if that decreased the RLS - it didn't, but it probably did increase the mass gloom of hopelessness and doubt that descended over me this week)...so I'm anticipating a mild positive upswing in my mood.
H and I are going to start couples therapy, so I don't feel like our relationship is doomed...that's never a heartening feeling when it involves someone you love.  There might be a path for us from this heartache to something positive.
I'm getting a handle on my work responsibilities.  And I only saw my boss once this week.  That's sure nice.  I don't miss her.
Next week I start taking the hormones that cause my ovaries to burst forth with multiple eggs to donate to my heart-sister.  The fertility doc said the hormones should make me feel pretty good.  I'm looking forward to that - if not the cycle of giving myself 2-3 shots daily.
I'm starting to have just the slightest interest in what's going on at roller derby...a good sign that when I'm able to return (after the egg extraction) I might actually want to see all those women again and skate with them. My complete burn-out is slowly easing, and I'm glad.  I love to skate and I'm a good skater and I should be out there...I just have to not invest so much of myself emotionally that I get overwhelmed and act like a bitch. And then feel guilty about it.  Cause that's no good.   But skating again...that's good.  I think I'm going to be excited to go back. 

Just so nobody thinks someone other than Pink Bizarre is writing this blog...(I wouldn't want anyone to get too happy on my account)  I do have to get a root canal on Sunday.  And BTW.  That sucks.    But I'm gonna ask for nitrous oxide and float on a little cloud while he's grinding around in there.  So again...that gleam of hope...

I'll try not to look any horses in the mouth this weekend.

The Anti 9-to-5 Guide: Practical Career Advice for Women Who Think Outside the Cube

Michelle Goodman