2 posts tagged “friendship”

Oy.  Things are pretty good, I’m still smiling on a regular basis, but things are starting to get complicated with my new lover.  We’re still having a great time both out of and in bed, for sure, but we’re grappling with her insecurities and my lack of emotional availability on a regular basis. 

I really like Sm, she’s a smart cookie who writes very well and is extremely creative.  We talk a lot but can just sit there quietly with each other as well.  She’s honest and forthright and dependable.  She has a lot of diverse interests and genuinely likes people of all shapes sizes genders ethnicities and orientations, so important!  She’s got a huge heart and is willing to share it.  She’s fun and silly and I definitely need some of that in my life – I’m too “mature” most of the time and have a hard time just being fun and silly with someone…but she and I together are good at that. We tease and wrestle and make faces…childlike maybe, but I’ve always been way too in touch with my inner adolescent and inner grown up and not nearly in touch enough with my inner 7 year old.  Sm’s very pretty and turns me on like crazy…I won’t get graphic, but I love to touch her and hold her and …well, I really like all of that with her. 

She doesn’t feel the same way about herself though.  She tells me she doesn’t know why someone like me is with someone like her.   When I compliment her or tell her the things I like about her, she blows it off.  She’s very sensitive about her appearance and her body, even to the point of expressing hatred about body parts that I really think are great.  I finally asked her how she would feel if, right after she complimented me, I started talking about the things I dislike about myself …and she agreed that she would stop making disparaging remarks about herself.  But I know those thoughts are still rocking around inside her head.   And some of her feelings have a lot to do with the way people have treated her in the past – how else do we pick up so much baggage, but in shitty relationships/interactions with others?  But….it is getting complicated.

She’s caring about me and talking about that and wanting to know how I feel about her.  And I feel as much for her as I’m capable of feeling about anyone that I’m intimate with (not just sexual, but intimate) right now.  Which is probably not enough.  She deserves more than I can give, she deserves someone who can fling themselves headlong into a long-term relationship with her.  And I simply cannot emotionally commit much right now.  I wish I had more to give her than just “I like you, we’re dating, we’re lovers and friends and I'll respect the boundaries we agreed to.” I could pretend.  But I won’t – that would be dishonest and disrespectful.  I’ve been completely forthright about what I have and don’t have to offer her, emotionally and otherwise, and she’s chosen to stick around anyway.

And my inability to give her more has nothing at all to do with who she is and what she’s about and everything to do with my particular circumstances right now.  Just having ended an 11 year relationship.  On the heels of all the other life change I’ve had over the past 3 years.   That renders my emotional well dry at the moment.  I’m not in mourning for the relationship that just ended… I started mourning that relationship a year ago, well before the word divorce ever entered the equation…so I’ve passed through most of the stages of grief and am starting over.  But that doesn’t mean that I’m refreshed emotionally yet.  Especially since I was in significant emotional pain right up to the day I moved out.   

Since that day a little over a month ago, I’ve felt pretty great almost every day…my mood has been so consistently positive it’s amazing.  And I’m pretty relieved to find that by doing all of the work in my head and heart over the last year…I don’t have to do nearly as much now that it’s over.  But I don’t know how much complication I can handle right now.  I’m doing okay so far, I told her the other night that red flags and nauseous feelings haven’t come up…after that they did a little…but I’m okay.  It’s a fine line for both of us right now.   I’m scared of committing more in the moment than I have to give in the long run and then realizing that and taking off for the hills…and she’s scared of being really hurt by my doing that.  Legitimate fears on both sides. 

Oh well.  We’re both talking a lot and that’s the best we can do right now.  We’re both still smiling a lot too, so that’s good. 

I've been talking to a good friend alot lately about my experiences over the past year.  My life has felt more chaotic and up-heaved than it has in two years.  I've felt more conflict and pain than I have in a long time.  I'm coping with it better than I've ever been able to before - no sinking into major depression for weeks, no isolating myself for long periods of time from those who love and care about me...I've managed to stay connected to the important people (and sometimes not so important people) in my life so as to not fall down the rabbit hole.  And that's really good. It says alot about the hard work I've done with my therapist to try and change life-long patterns of unhealthy coping into more healthy coping.  But I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and with where my life is at right now.  Just because I'm dealing with it better than I would have a year ago doesn't mean it's not intensely painful and difficult. 

One of the issues that is painful for me right now is my sexual identity.  I've known about my bisexual tendencies since I was pretty young, but never actively pursued sex with women until recently.  I've really enjoyed being with women this summer and have discovered that it is something that is important to me, something I don't want to give up. 

As you know, dear reader, I am married to a man, someone I care very deeply for and want to share the rest of my life with...and you also know that we have opened up our marriage this year so that we can both see other women.  I struggle with this a bit, because H is so charming and charismatic that he literally has women vying for his attention all the time.  I've made it clear that I won't "vy" for his attention - I need him to give that attention to me without my prompting - as I do for him.  We've had some bumps in the road, but we're talking through them so far. 

Where the rub comes in...so to speak...is the fact that he's convinced, deep down, that I'm not in fact, bisexual, but that I'm a lesbian.  And in fact, so does my friend that I've been talking to this week - and probably a few other lesbians who may have their own agendas where I'm concerned.   This is painful for me.  This knowledge that people I'm close to, people I love and care about, are trying to put me in a slot that isn't right for me, at least not right now.  The process of trying to figure out my sexual identity is complicated by the fact that ...I'm a complicated person.  I've never fit neatly into anyone's stereotype or box or slot.  And while I'm trying to figure things out for myself...one thing I do know is that right now, the term :lesbian: is not right for me.  could it be in the future?  it's possible.  But that's not where I'm at at this point in time.  And while H and my friends have been fairly respectful of my self-identifying as Bi- I hate that underlying that, they're just convinced that I haven't come all the way out of the closet yet. It hurts.  I don't know whether it's true or not..I don't know if a year from now my heart will be telling me that I'm a lesbian.  All I know is that right now...that's not where I am.  And that's all I can deal with...is the right now.  the present.   

Plus - I feel like it would be real easy to tie everything up with a neat little lesbian bow...okay, here's the solution - I'm not hetero, I'm a lezzie - now I'll get all lezzie friends and immerse myself in the subculture and that'll be that.  Decision made.    But that doesn't feel right to me, that's not what's in my heart.  What's in my heart is a whole heck of alot more complicated...and don't you all think I hate that?  Don't you all think I would love to have a neat little pat answer?  A nice move from black to white, with no amorphous gray?  Don't you think I know that that would be alot easier if that was the way things are? 

This hurts, this is painful, this is a big complicated gray area, this is uncomfortable, this is LONELY, this is so many things...Don't you think I would choose otherwise if it were a choice like that?   Cause, Hello, I would.  I so so would choose the easy black to white solution if I felt that that were valid and possible for me. 

Clean, clear cut answers have never reflected the complexity of me.  And unfortunately, I don't think they ever will.  I wish they could.  I truly wish that everything in my life didn't have to be the hard way.  Could I just get some support for making the difficult adult decisions that are complicated and painful and yet reflect where my heart is right now?  Please?