Posts (page 2)

Avuncular monocular mad.  
Thrice driven sad. 
Crashing dashing passing plaid.
Harmonious parking sassing cad.
Peccadillo pica de gallo fad.
Shameless blameless tad.
Cartwheeling masterminding blowfishing glad.

1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like.
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post.
4. Tag five more blogs with links.
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!
   'CDV, YOD, LOIL, UCB, ODY, TKS

Lollergirls68

Oy.  Things are pretty good, I’m still smiling on a regular basis, but things are starting to get complicated with my new lover.  We’re still having a great time both out of and in bed, for sure, but we’re grappling with her insecurities and my lack of emotional availability on a regular basis. 

I really like Sm, she’s a smart cookie who writes very well and is extremely creative.  We talk a lot but can just sit there quietly with each other as well.  She’s honest and forthright and dependable.  She has a lot of diverse interests and genuinely likes people of all shapes sizes genders ethnicities and orientations, so important!  She’s got a huge heart and is willing to share it.  She’s fun and silly and I definitely need some of that in my life – I’m too “mature” most of the time and have a hard time just being fun and silly with someone…but she and I together are good at that. We tease and wrestle and make faces…childlike maybe, but I’ve always been way too in touch with my inner adolescent and inner grown up and not nearly in touch enough with my inner 7 year old.  Sm’s very pretty and turns me on like crazy…I won’t get graphic, but I love to touch her and hold her and …well, I really like all of that with her. 

She doesn’t feel the same way about herself though.  She tells me she doesn’t know why someone like me is with someone like her.   When I compliment her or tell her the things I like about her, she blows it off.  She’s very sensitive about her appearance and her body, even to the point of expressing hatred about body parts that I really think are great.  I finally asked her how she would feel if, right after she complimented me, I started talking about the things I dislike about myself …and she agreed that she would stop making disparaging remarks about herself.  But I know those thoughts are still rocking around inside her head.   And some of her feelings have a lot to do with the way people have treated her in the past – how else do we pick up so much baggage, but in shitty relationships/interactions with others?  But….it is getting complicated.

She’s caring about me and talking about that and wanting to know how I feel about her.  And I feel as much for her as I’m capable of feeling about anyone that I’m intimate with (not just sexual, but intimate) right now.  Which is probably not enough.  She deserves more than I can give, she deserves someone who can fling themselves headlong into a long-term relationship with her.  And I simply cannot emotionally commit much right now.  I wish I had more to give her than just “I like you, we’re dating, we’re lovers and friends and I'll respect the boundaries we agreed to.” I could pretend.  But I won’t – that would be dishonest and disrespectful.  I’ve been completely forthright about what I have and don’t have to offer her, emotionally and otherwise, and she’s chosen to stick around anyway.

And my inability to give her more has nothing at all to do with who she is and what she’s about and everything to do with my particular circumstances right now.  Just having ended an 11 year relationship.  On the heels of all the other life change I’ve had over the past 3 years.   That renders my emotional well dry at the moment.  I’m not in mourning for the relationship that just ended… I started mourning that relationship a year ago, well before the word divorce ever entered the equation…so I’ve passed through most of the stages of grief and am starting over.  But that doesn’t mean that I’m refreshed emotionally yet.  Especially since I was in significant emotional pain right up to the day I moved out.   

Since that day a little over a month ago, I’ve felt pretty great almost every day…my mood has been so consistently positive it’s amazing.  And I’m pretty relieved to find that by doing all of the work in my head and heart over the last year…I don’t have to do nearly as much now that it’s over.  But I don’t know how much complication I can handle right now.  I’m doing okay so far, I told her the other night that red flags and nauseous feelings haven’t come up…after that they did a little…but I’m okay.  It’s a fine line for both of us right now.   I’m scared of committing more in the moment than I have to give in the long run and then realizing that and taking off for the hills…and she’s scared of being really hurt by my doing that.  Legitimate fears on both sides. 

Oh well.  We’re both talking a lot and that’s the best we can do right now.  We’re both still smiling a lot too, so that’s good. 

I feel pretty darn wonderful these days.  I'm waking up with a smile on my face on a regular basis, I feel refreshed after sleep, my sex drive is kickin, my skating is fast and hard, my house is amazing.  

Everything has changed in my life over the past 3 years.  Every single thing...except for my chosen sister, my heart sister.  She's still got her place in my heart, and that's not changing. (oh and one of my fuzzy paws of love - she's still my first daughter!)  Everything else though?  Different.  My marriage/divorce, my career path, my job itself, my home, my intimate relationships, my sister, my father dying, how I spend my free time (tho I still read voraciously and knit sporadically), my close friends vs acquaintances, my sex life, everything.  It's very very strange to have all that change in just 3 years.

But I feel good.  My mood has been very stable and good, my sleep has improved (new med seems to be working), I'm enjoying my home and my extracurricular activities, my relationship with my family has improved and I'm working on improving my ability to maintain my friendships instead of just letting them die off. 

I think I'm headed in a healthy direction.  And that feels so terrific.  As a born pessimist, I just have to say I hope it continues. 

At least it feels like that some days.

My health is improving, very slowly, too slowly for my impatient self, but the throat is not sore any longer and I can breathe again...I still feel pretty tired alot of the time though.  I hate illness.  It's such a crushing bore.

I'm still bored to tears by my job. Don't even want to talk about it.  peh.

Roller Derby - first time back on skates in two weeks - I expected my endurance to blow, but I actually did just fine.  We had a great scrimmage, everyone was in top form - I wish every scrimmage was like that, we'd learn alot more from each other.  I actually hurt more today than I did the day after our last bout!   All the newbies blow up my head with praise for my jamming- I'm trying to ignore it and I'm telling them that I've been skating for 1.5 years now,  a little bit of experience counts for alot in this sport.  They don't seem to hear it though.  Not to mention the mad skills of my pack - No jammer in the world scores points without some support from her pack unless the other team is for shit.  And I typically get great support from my pack - I've been really clear with my blockers about what I need/expect from them when I'm their jammer - and what they can expect from me...it seems to work out very well.  Feeling like a part of such a strong team is inspiring too.  I can't say enough positive about what roller derby brings to my life. 

Sm is still ultra sweet - we went dancing and she spent the night this weekend and it was UhMazing.   She's a little clingy, but she sort of knows where she's coming from (aware of the clingy stuff and why) and we talk about it and I think it's okay.  We're still enjoying talking and doing stuff together and hanging out in general.  So that's fun.

I'm still loving my new house and living on my own.  I was feeling very neutral about the divorce for a few weeks and this week I've had some imaginary angry little internal dialogs with XH and his gf's - I went through about 3 dialogs in two days without even realizing it - now I'm thinking about the dialogs and wondering if I'm touching the anger phase of grief again, mildly?  The thing about phases is that we humans not only move forward through them, but we also move backward through them and even hopscotch around in them a bit.  It's rather annoying when you feel as if you've finished something and then oh, wait, yes, wait, yes, you're there again.  And you're like, wait, this is familiar, haven't I done this already?  I thought I was through with this?  But no.  I'm not completely through with it.  Because I'm here again.  Fuckers.   But I sense that this phase is so mild that it will be pretty short lived.  And that makes me feel good.  And continually hopeful.
 

Unchained

Johnny Cash

When was the last time you surprised yourself?

Every time I say "never", it's a certainty that what I said "never" about will happen.  

I've been sick for a week - and I'm tired of it.  blech.  go haunt someone else sore throat & earache!

I love my fuzzypaws - they make me smile so big every single day, even when I've just finished cursing their mothers for producing little shitheads.  They both grin so big so much of the time - until you've seen a dog smile, your life has no meaning as far as I'm concerned. 

My job is so boring.  I'm really tired of it.  I hope my second job (if I can ever get my new boss to call me back) is more satisfying - and if so, that I can switch to doing that full time and give this job to someone who'll give it the passion it deserves.

I've spent the majority of days recently - :smiling: - despite feeling like crud.   The new girl in my life, Sm, is so indescribably sweet.  And I need that so much right now.  She calls me when she says she'll call me.  And she comes over when she says she'll come over.  And she meets me out when she says she'll meet me out.  I hardly know what to do with all of this consistency.  Sm's smart and insightful and self-possessed.  She's interesting and funny and has her own life.  She's gainfully employed and has her own transportation.  She's a little insecure - no doubt bc of the nuclear death warnings I imparted to her about my own mental/emotional state when we first started hanging out - but in general we're getting along very well.
And...
Girl sex is amazing.
I've liked it from the start, but never had a girlsex orgasm - until Sm - and I can't even describe how mindblowing the experiences with her have been.  Last night I even had a little picture in my head of the top of my head cracking open and blue fireworks shooting out with little birds and stars and shit.  love it. 
I've also never been one to want to hang out in bed for hours - I've always liked sex, but give me a half hour or an hour, and that's really enough - no need to spend all day there.  just a recipe for soreness, right?  But suddenly, after spending 3- no wait - 4? hours in bed with her last night....I just really wanted to spend another 4 or 5 in the same place having more fun girlsex with her. And that's despite both of us being sick.  Sm's a monogamous girl - no playing around or even kissy-face with others...which is not what I expected to be involved with immediately - but honestly- I don't really need anyone else to fuck right now - because at the moment we're doing everything and more that I need/want.

I've decided to let go of my fear - that fear engendered by the fact that meeting someone important and amazing the week after my divorce was the last thing I wanted or hoped for or expected - that fear - I've decided to let it go and just see what happens.  We're not calling it anything - we're making no promises (except to respect one another's boundaries) - And we'll keep going as long as we're both smiling.  And if we're not smiling anymore - we'll discuss it with each other - respectfully - and move on.  And that makes me happy.

Robbers & Cowards

Cold War Kids

I’ve been absent for quite a while. Fortunately, I did not:

• Fall off a cliff and die.
• Become rendered quadriplegic by a severe car accident.
• Succumb to an internet stalker who tracked me down and murdered me.

What I did do was:

• Successfully purchase a new home.
• Move into said new home.  (with New couch (red leather!), New bed, and New washer & dryer!!)
• Participate in our first Roller Derby bout this season and score the most points. (thanks to my incredibly awesome pack of blockers & pivot – who rendered the competition into swiss cheese)

I also had a tremendous experience the night of the bout.  It was really great and started my independent single life off just right. 

And then I met a girl later in the week…Sm…who I warned and warned about myself…but she just won’t listen.  So we’re texting every day and seeing each other frequently and I’m not falling for her and she’s not falling for me and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  Achingly honest, very forthright, consistent with her moods, and thoughts, and actions (OMG, I didn’t know there were single people out there who actually did what they said they were going to do).  Really pretty and sexy whether she’s femmed up or butched out (she doesn’t take either to extremes – it’s actually a subtle transition).  Smells good.  And oh so tender.   

Way too soon.  But very tender.  We’ve agreed that as long as we’re both smiling, it’s okay.  Nothing more than that promised or tendered.   We’ll see. 

But I’M SINGLE!!!

And I OWN MY OWN HOME!!!

I might start loving my life soon. 

That previous post of mine, finally woken?  It's not true - I glimpsed it for a moment and thought it was here.  But here...here is my heart...breaking into little tiny pieces.  Here is... wanting to body slam drywall and punch fists through glass picture frames and throw gifts thru windows.   Here is an ugly sad angry black hole of frustrated feelings.  Here is tears running down the face while screaming and sobbing into a pillow, playing dead can dance in the background so the basement renters can't hear the pain.  Here is overwhelmed with packing and mortgage and second job and bills and changing over electric and water service and acquiring homeowners insurance.  Here is the sadness of leaving a four legged child behind.  Here is so sad.  here is so angry.  Here is just miserable.  I hate here. I thought I had left here.  but here I am. 

Jem - Finally Woken lyrics

Finally Woken, Finally Woken

I've been thinking about things
For a long while
I'm feeling so calm
I've got a big smile
I have a view of the sun
Right over the sea
And now I can feel
Life is flowing through me

You see I've finally woken
From a long sleep
I'm ready to jump
To make that blind leap
Coz I now believe
I have the power in me
I've got the faith baby
I can truly be free

Finally Woken
Finally Woken

Child don't worry it's ok
The sun is out for another day
And I say it'll be alright
[be alright]
Today's the first day of the
rest of your life
Remember, remember,
remember this, remember

Child don't worry it's ok
[I've got a big smile/I feel good]
The sun is out for another day
[someone's shining on me]
And I say it'll be alright
[be alright]
Today's the first day of the
rest of your life
Remember Remember
Remember this Remember

Child don't worry it's ok
The sun is out for another day
Today's the first day of the
rest of your life
And I say it'll be alright
[be alright]
Remember, remember,
remember this, remember

Finally Woken
[I've got a big smile/I feel good]
Finally Woken
[someone's shining on me]
Finally Woken
[I've got a big smile/I feel good]
Finally Woken
[someone's shining on me]
And I say it'll be alright, be alright
And I say it'll be alright, be alright