5 posts from February 2008

I feel pretty darn wonderful these days.  I'm waking up with a smile on my face on a regular basis, I feel refreshed after sleep, my sex drive is kickin, my skating is fast and hard, my house is amazing.  

Everything has changed in my life over the past 3 years.  Every single thing...except for my chosen sister, my heart sister.  She's still got her place in my heart, and that's not changing. (oh and one of my fuzzy paws of love - she's still my first daughter!)  Everything else though?  Different.  My marriage/divorce, my career path, my job itself, my home, my intimate relationships, my sister, my father dying, how I spend my free time (tho I still read voraciously and knit sporadically), my close friends vs acquaintances, my sex life, everything.  It's very very strange to have all that change in just 3 years.

But I feel good.  My mood has been very stable and good, my sleep has improved (new med seems to be working), I'm enjoying my home and my extracurricular activities, my relationship with my family has improved and I'm working on improving my ability to maintain my friendships instead of just letting them die off. 

I think I'm headed in a healthy direction.  And that feels so terrific.  As a born pessimist, I just have to say I hope it continues. 

At least it feels like that some days.

My health is improving, very slowly, too slowly for my impatient self, but the throat is not sore any longer and I can breathe again...I still feel pretty tired alot of the time though.  I hate illness.  It's such a crushing bore.

I'm still bored to tears by my job. Don't even want to talk about it.  peh.

Roller Derby - first time back on skates in two weeks - I expected my endurance to blow, but I actually did just fine.  We had a great scrimmage, everyone was in top form - I wish every scrimmage was like that, we'd learn alot more from each other.  I actually hurt more today than I did the day after our last bout!   All the newbies blow up my head with praise for my jamming- I'm trying to ignore it and I'm telling them that I've been skating for 1.5 years now,  a little bit of experience counts for alot in this sport.  They don't seem to hear it though.  Not to mention the mad skills of my pack - No jammer in the world scores points without some support from her pack unless the other team is for shit.  And I typically get great support from my pack - I've been really clear with my blockers about what I need/expect from them when I'm their jammer - and what they can expect from me...it seems to work out very well.  Feeling like a part of such a strong team is inspiring too.  I can't say enough positive about what roller derby brings to my life. 

Sm is still ultra sweet - we went dancing and she spent the night this weekend and it was UhMazing.   She's a little clingy, but she sort of knows where she's coming from (aware of the clingy stuff and why) and we talk about it and I think it's okay.  We're still enjoying talking and doing stuff together and hanging out in general.  So that's fun.

I'm still loving my new house and living on my own.  I was feeling very neutral about the divorce for a few weeks and this week I've had some imaginary angry little internal dialogs with XH and his gf's - I went through about 3 dialogs in two days without even realizing it - now I'm thinking about the dialogs and wondering if I'm touching the anger phase of grief again, mildly?  The thing about phases is that we humans not only move forward through them, but we also move backward through them and even hopscotch around in them a bit.  It's rather annoying when you feel as if you've finished something and then oh, wait, yes, wait, yes, you're there again.  And you're like, wait, this is familiar, haven't I done this already?  I thought I was through with this?  But no.  I'm not completely through with it.  Because I'm here again.  Fuckers.   But I sense that this phase is so mild that it will be pretty short lived.  And that makes me feel good.  And continually hopeful.
 

Unchained

Johnny Cash

When was the last time you surprised yourself?

Every time I say "never", it's a certainty that what I said "never" about will happen.  

I've been sick for a week - and I'm tired of it.  blech.  go haunt someone else sore throat & earache!

I love my fuzzypaws - they make me smile so big every single day, even when I've just finished cursing their mothers for producing little shitheads.  They both grin so big so much of the time - until you've seen a dog smile, your life has no meaning as far as I'm concerned. 

My job is so boring.  I'm really tired of it.  I hope my second job (if I can ever get my new boss to call me back) is more satisfying - and if so, that I can switch to doing that full time and give this job to someone who'll give it the passion it deserves.

I've spent the majority of days recently - :smiling: - despite feeling like crud.   The new girl in my life, Sm, is so indescribably sweet.  And I need that so much right now.  She calls me when she says she'll call me.  And she comes over when she says she'll come over.  And she meets me out when she says she'll meet me out.  I hardly know what to do with all of this consistency.  Sm's smart and insightful and self-possessed.  She's interesting and funny and has her own life.  She's gainfully employed and has her own transportation.  She's a little insecure - no doubt bc of the nuclear death warnings I imparted to her about my own mental/emotional state when we first started hanging out - but in general we're getting along very well.
And...
Girl sex is amazing.
I've liked it from the start, but never had a girlsex orgasm - until Sm - and I can't even describe how mindblowing the experiences with her have been.  Last night I even had a little picture in my head of the top of my head cracking open and blue fireworks shooting out with little birds and stars and shit.  love it. 
I've also never been one to want to hang out in bed for hours - I've always liked sex, but give me a half hour or an hour, and that's really enough - no need to spend all day there.  just a recipe for soreness, right?  But suddenly, after spending 3- no wait - 4? hours in bed with her last night....I just really wanted to spend another 4 or 5 in the same place having more fun girlsex with her. And that's despite both of us being sick.  Sm's a monogamous girl - no playing around or even kissy-face with others...which is not what I expected to be involved with immediately - but honestly- I don't really need anyone else to fuck right now - because at the moment we're doing everything and more that I need/want.

I've decided to let go of my fear - that fear engendered by the fact that meeting someone important and amazing the week after my divorce was the last thing I wanted or hoped for or expected - that fear - I've decided to let it go and just see what happens.  We're not calling it anything - we're making no promises (except to respect one another's boundaries) - And we'll keep going as long as we're both smiling.  And if we're not smiling anymore - we'll discuss it with each other - respectfully - and move on.  And that makes me happy.

Robbers & Cowards

Cold War Kids

I’ve been absent for quite a while. Fortunately, I did not:

• Fall off a cliff and die.
• Become rendered quadriplegic by a severe car accident.
• Succumb to an internet stalker who tracked me down and murdered me.

What I did do was:

• Successfully purchase a new home.
• Move into said new home.  (with New couch (red leather!), New bed, and New washer & dryer!!)
• Participate in our first Roller Derby bout this season and score the most points. (thanks to my incredibly awesome pack of blockers & pivot – who rendered the competition into swiss cheese)

I also had a tremendous experience the night of the bout.  It was really great and started my independent single life off just right. 

And then I met a girl later in the week…Sm…who I warned and warned about myself…but she just won’t listen.  So we’re texting every day and seeing each other frequently and I’m not falling for her and she’s not falling for me and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  Achingly honest, very forthright, consistent with her moods, and thoughts, and actions (OMG, I didn’t know there were single people out there who actually did what they said they were going to do).  Really pretty and sexy whether she’s femmed up or butched out (she doesn’t take either to extremes – it’s actually a subtle transition).  Smells good.  And oh so tender.   

Way too soon.  But very tender.  We’ve agreed that as long as we’re both smiling, it’s okay.  Nothing more than that promised or tendered.   We’ll see. 

But I’M SINGLE!!!

And I OWN MY OWN HOME!!!

I might start loving my life soon.