Pink Bizarre

I hope all of my friends and neighbors (channeling Mr. Rogers, anyone?) have a wonderful weekend.  I'm taking tomorrow off from work and hope to have a sexy, relaxing, liquor and fun filled weekend.  I hope everyone elses is just as much fun ;]

She really is.  The things she's able to say to me, the insights she has about herself and her needs and wants and also about our relationship, her thoughtfulness, and huge heart.  I'm amazed sometimes.  We're both Smiling. A Lot.  And that feels so good.  

Loathes:

• Constipation
• Money
• Losing weight

• Olives
• Whines
  

• Hold times
• My doggies, the fuzzypaws of love
• Hanging out with friends

• female ejaculation
• Helping surprise my chosen sister for her birthday
• IKEA

because it's culturally unacceptable in our society for women to COMPLAIN about LOSING weight.  Yep.  I'm going to do it.  I'm gonna bitch about the fact that I'm losing weight.  And if you don't wanna hear it...stop reading right now.  Don't continue reading and then get mad and resentful and send me hateful comments (not that anyone's done that, but I'm just saying).  Just stop reading now if you know you'll be tempted.

I cannot talk to my best friend about losing weight, nor can I discuss it with my girlfriend - because they both have significant self-image issues and are constantly trying to lose weight.  I can't bring it up in standard conversations, because it's only acceptable to bitch and moan constantly about weight gained, not weight lost.  (PS, I get really tired of beautiful, normal, shapely women hating their bodies.  Really really tired of it.  Guys and Queer Gals, I don't know how you live with it - but I won't let my gf make derogatory comments in front of me about the body I just finished adoring every curve and swell of - it's insulting to herself and to me.) My own sister is a beautiful woman with a body I couldn't pay to have plastic surgery to resemble...and she's had an eating disorder for several years.  And covers her lovely shape with saggy ill-fitting shapeless clothing constantly.  It makes me feel very very sad.  I am so sad that all of these beautiful women, who are genuinely lovely outside and in, look in the mirror every day and hate what they see.

I've been underweight most of my life.  I spent my entire childhood being called names like toothpick and skeleton.  I could never find clothing that fit, because I'm also above average hight.  Pants were always too short or too big, tops were always too short or too big.  I was very excited when it became fashionable for pants to drag on the ground, because then at least I could find some that fit at the waist and weren't high-waters.  Even now, I have to take 10 items into the dressing room to find one, maybe two that fit.  And I will never be able to order clothing from a catalog successfully.  Ever.  In my  late twenties, I started to gain some weight and fill out a bit.  I finally got a shape, some curve to my hip and ass, and at age 30 I actually got up to a C cup bra size.  When I joined roller derby I gained something like 10 pounds and I was thrilled.  I went up a pant size and a half and a shirt size too.  And it was muscle!  I was very happy with my weight and my size, finally, after 30 years, I had a feminine shape (instead of being stick-like and boyishly bodied). 

And then I got divorced.  And since November 07, I've lost 20 pounds.  20 pounds I did not have...to lose.  I did lose my appetite for several months, but I was eating, and eating enough to stay healthy.  I'm off hormonal birth control for the first time in 16 years, and that may have something to do with it too.  But damn.  My appetite's been back for almost a month and I've lost 5 more pounds since March 12th (my last physical - I had lost 15 pounds at that point.)  I thought as soon as my appetite returned, I'd start putting the pounds back on, especially since I've been skating like crazy, building muscle (I hoped).  But when I stepped on my new, blue, IKEA scale ($4.99 woot) this weekend....I had lost 5 more pounds and I'm back to a weight I haven't been at since the late nineties.

And I'm really upset about that.  My clothing hangs on me, my pants look bunched and ugly with the belt I need to hold them up with, I've lost a significant amount of curve, and a full cup size.  I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe (remember I mentioned IKEA) and I just want to gain the weight back.  I'm not sure what to do.  I've even considered starting to drink weight-building smoothies on practice days to see if that would help.

And I have no one to talk to about it because as a white woman in westernized culture, I'm virtually alone in wanting to gain weight.  So thanks Vox and my neighborhood, for letting me vent, without getting resentful and saying spiteful things like "I wish I had that problem".   

What is your "role" in your family?

In my home with fuzzypaws of love:  Alphabitch
With my mom and stepdad: eccentric, sharp-tempered, wry, queer, daughter
With my sister: I'm more of a looked-up-to aunt to her b/c of the age diff and the fact that we've never lived together. 
Extended family:  I don't really know - I'm not the weirdest grandchild/cousin/niece, but I'm not exactly one of the traditional ones either.  Not close to any of them at all.

Loves:

• Spending time with Sm
• Silly silly time
• Learning more about my body
• Brand spanking new sex drive
• Bruises from Roller Derby
• Fuzzypaws of love

• Gray rainy cloudy chilly days
• Money. The whole concept.  The reality. The bill collectors calling.
• Feeling completely uninspired by my job, that everyone else thinks is so cool.
• Knowing I'm going to be spending alot of time hitting the concrete during our bout this weekend because we're playing a super-experienced team from a league that's 3 years older than we are.

1. Are you happy with your given name? No, I’ve used a nickname my entire life.

2. What is your guaranteed weeping movie? Green Mile and it’s more of a sobbing incoherently movie.

3.
What is the one thing you like to do alone? Read

4. What’s a major fear of yours? Depths of depression.

5.
Are you a pyromaniac? No, but I like to watch fire

6. Do you know anyone famous? Yes. They’re pretty much like most of the unfamous people I know.

7. Describe your bed: A boxspring and mattress on a frame with pretty Indian style bedspread and lots of pillows.

8.
What do you carry with you at all times? Cell phone

9.
How do you eat an apple? With my mouth <--what uncaged bird said

10. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in? Depends on the sitch. At work required networking functions I’m a wallflower, on skates in front of 700 people I’m a booty shaker.

11. What kind of first impression do you think you give people? Not sure. I’ve been told I’m intimidating, but it’s not something I intentionally go for these days.

12.
Favorite communication method? One to one face to face

13.
What is your hidden talent? Spelling backwards

14. Do you own a Bible? Nope.

15.
How many drinks before you’re tipsy? I’m a lightweight these days since the divorce diet – 2 to 3

16. Do you have a problem changing clothes in front of friends? Nah, not even in front of strangers.

17. What should you be doing instead of this? Work.

18. Who was the last person who called you? I’m not sure since I didn’t answer and they didn’t leave a message, but I’m pretty sure it’s a bill collector since they’ve been calling every day for a few weeks now.

19. Are you ready? Probably not.

20. What is the last gift you gave someone? Handmade scarf with fingerless gloves built in.

21. Does everything happen for a reason? No. But we like to think it does. <–what uncaged bird said.

22. What is your biggest headache lately? Money. That’s almost always my biggest headache.

23. What color is your bedroom? Off-white, I need to paint.

24. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? Most of the time. Unless you’re a douche.

25. Have you ever pierced your own body part or that of someone else? My own ears and I had a bf a very long time ago who talked me into piercing his septum – I hated it and wasn’t successful. Blech.

26.
What kind of watch do you wear? Seiko

27.
What’s one car you will never buy? Monster Truck <--what Irish said

28. How many online journals do you read daily? Blogs you mean? Depends on how many of my online “friends” post them.

29. Do you cry in front of your friends? I have. I prefer to cry alone though.

30. Would you die to save the life of someone you dearly love? Yeah. Death doesn’t scare me. And there are people in my life who I think are more important to the world than me.

31.
Do you have any married friends? Ummm, who doesn’t?

32. Do you like thunderstorms? Yes. A lot. with lots of lightning and wind.

33. What was your first job? Counter girl at some burger joint – lasted about 2 weeks.

34.
What was the last thing you typed before this survey? A blog

35.
Who was your last IM to? Keith

36. Favorite word lately? Amazing.

37.
What’s the strangest thing that’s happened to you in the past week? Surprise birthday party

38. You have a crush, don’t you? Yeah, that would be on my girlfriend.

39. Who? Sm.

40. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? I run my hands through my hair.
<– what uncaged bird said

41.
Do you talk a lot? – depends on the sitch

42.
What do you typically order at a bar? Bourbon and ginger

43. Name ONE trait you hate in a person.
Ignorance

44.
What’s one thing you’re a loser at? Financial matters

45. Do you like the rain? I am so fucking sick of the rain I want to go drown earthworms. Oh wait – the rain’s already taken care of that. Fuck.

46.
Last person you talked to in person? Co-Workers

47. What are your plans for the weekend? Bowling. Flyering for our next bout. Wiring my new house with my heart sister. Traveling to someone else's bout. Housecleaning.

48. How much money would it take for you to give up the internet for a year? Bwahahahahahaha. Not happening. Though sometimes I’d like to say fuck it all and move to Fiji and rent beach umbrellas.
<–what uncaged bird said (she’s quite clever)

49. Where’s your ideal marriage location? There’s an oxymoron in that sentence that doesn’t compute for me. <– uncaged bird, would you be my real-life friend instead of just an internet friend? Cause you make me laugh. A lot.

50.
What do you cook the best? Breakfast

51. What kind of books do you like to read? I’m a big fan of the words….

52.
If you win the lottery, what would you like to do? Pay off my debt, quit my job, travel, volunteer, school

53. If you don’t like a person, how do you show it? I’ll generally ignore someone I dislike.

54. How long have you known your best friend? 7 years.

55. What are you listening to? Not much.

56. What was the last thing you laughed at? My orgasms yesterday/early this am. (For really great ones, I bust out laughing rather uncontrollably. Good times.
)

57. What do you wish you were doing right now? Having sex. <–me and uncaged bird, we’re like psychic or something.
This bitch has my number!

58.
What musical instrument do you wish you could play? Vocal cords

59. If you could speak any language, which language would you speak? Espanol.

60. What fingers did you use to answer this… RIGHT NOW? I know how to type so all 10.

61. Are you going to save your results?Did you read all the way through? Then this is a foolish question. <– uncaged bird speaks the truth.

What do you think is too serious to joke around about?

I'm with South Park on this one. 

Weeks Events:
March 19 - Learned yet again why trainers should never try to teach adult learners by reading verbatim from powerpoint slides to the students.  Had a great session with my therapist about the possible etiologies of my horrible procrastination habits.  Skipped derby practice and had a phenomenal date with Sm.

March 20th - Flooding in and around town along with confusion on my part regarding location prevented me from attending a meeting - no great loss.  Watched kids lives being changed by art - Amazing.  Had half of a fantasy fulfilled (was naked in bed, left the door unlocked and called Sm who came over, walked in, we didn't say a word to each other, just started having incredible passionate sex) until the XH interrupted in a very persistent, untimely, and unwelcome way.  Potential disaster averted by Sm & I talking about the awkwardness and then picking up where we left off.  Rushed to an event supporting women's choice, back home, then off to a dance party.

March 21st - Lunch with co-workers, picked up my scooter from storage, helped set up for Sat's bout, hung out with Sm and her friend for the rest of the evening.

March 22nd - Bout Day!  We sold out our bout for the second time - So fun!Amazing game - very well matched teams - I jammed more than anyone else on our team - 13 jams!  crazy.   We lost by 7 points - but we made them earn their win.  The funniest part for me was when I was jamming against this chick and I checked the shit out of her and she looked at me and threw up her hands and was like, "what the fuck?" as if she didn't know that jammers can check each other.  Great afterparty, except for all the March Madness folks at the bar - lame-o's didn't  know that RD is much more exciting...  I asked Sm to be my girlfriend and she said yes.  Drunkenly home + 2 hours of wild fornication = no hangover the next day!

March 23rd - My Jesus Birthday on Zombie Jesus Day!  Brunch with a league member, some  time for me, then more wonderful fornication.  off to dinner reservations and guess what?  Sm threw me a surprise party!  I've only known her for 6 weeks and she freakin threw me a surprise birthday party - how amazing is she?  I was stunned and speechless for several minutes (I have a hard time with surprises), but it was really nice.  Then home and guess what...more and more fabulous loving.  She and I cannot get enough of each other.  I haven't had a sex drive like this since I was 17.  Actually even then, I didn't have the desire to stay in bed for umpteen hours at a time.   Sm  has been kind of amazed at my ...enthusiasm...if you will...for girlsex - esp since it's fairly new to me ( & esp since i'm bi and not a full-time lezzie).  I told her I've known what I wanted in that area for a long time and I've never been shy sexually.   With the few girls I've been with before her I've actually been pretty startled at the reluctance on the part of full-time lezzie's to go down on another girl.  Cause I won't lie, I love it.  Love it.  Okay, back on track....

March 24th -  Bleh Work.  League meeting for Roller Derby.  Tempers flared, accusations between refs and players flew, people got defensive and accusatory...just another league meeting.   Feeling bunk once I got home, hard to sleep.

March 25th - woke up and went to the bathroom - oh that's why I was feeling so bunk last night.  I see.  Hormones are wonderful things, guys, truly.   Worked a bit, left early b/c of a power shut-down, saw Sm for 2/10ths of a second, hung out with my heart sister and ate way too much.  Feeling lonely once home and alone.  Fell asleep promptly tho. 

And that's a week in the life of....

My heart sister and have lengthy discussions about our relationships with other people in our lives, family, friends, co-workers etc.  In some of these discussions, we've talked about some people in our lives that we love and we want to be able to share everything with openheartedly, but we've found that it's just not safe.  These particular people love and care about us as well, but they're not able to love us without a cost. Their style of love sometimes leaves us bleeding. 

My heart sister calls these people sharks and whenever she's tempted to lay herself bare before one, she reminds herself that she's likely to end up bleeding if she does so, regardless of how much she wants things to be different. Regardless of how much she wants them to be able to love her in the way that people need to be loved...in a safe way, with teeth filed down or remaining behind lips; they're not capable of it, their defenses are too well honed to allow it.  I can be a shark sometimes myself and it's taken me a long time to learn how to file my teeth down and keep them behind my lips with people I love and care about, but it's definitely been a lesson worth learning and continuing to practice. 

I'm reminded of this today because my girl Sm's mother got really nasty with her last night and tore her all sorts of new gashes.  Sm is someone who puts her heart on a platter to serve freely to people around her and seems especially vulnerable to sharks.  Especially when they're family.  She's told me a little bit about the fight and how her mothers words hurt her and it made me think about the shark conversations I've had with my heart sister.  Sm's mom is definitely a shark in mom's clothing.  I hate that for her.  

Sharks patrol these waters
Sharks patrol these waters
Don't let your fingers dangle in the water
And don't you worry about the day glow orange life preserver
It won't save you
It won't save you
Swim for the shores just as fast as your able
Swim like a mother fucker, swim!
Fast as that seen ships to now
The ever glorious now the ever present now
Drenched in flower and deep-fat-fried
And cooled on paper towels and then devoured
You know, I spent 15 years in a life raft
15 years in a life raft and now I got something to say
Stay in your life boats people,
Stay in your life boats people.
It's murder out there murder out there
Sharks patrol these waters
Sharks patrol these waters, hey!
Don't you worry about the dayglow orange life preserver
It won't save you
It won't save you
Swim for the shores just as fast as your able, swim!

Artist: Morphine
Song: Sharks
Album: Yes