Pink Bizarre

So it's Monday.  We had practice tonight and we'll have it again on Wednesday, with our first bout of the season on Saturday.  And I hate this week, I hate this wait.  I'm ready to do it NOW.  At practice tonight, I was working hard...I always do (too competitive not to)...but at the same time there was a bit of the "going through the motions" happening as well. I guess I feel like:  If we don't have it by now, we're not gonna get it by Saturday!  Wednesday practice is going to be more of the same.  I'm never good with the week of the bout, my practices are always off the week of, but this week feels worse than usual. 

There are so many factors that leave me feeling ambivalent this season.    I feel pretty dissatisfied with the lack of 'gel' of our team - we've had zero opportunity (despite promises of the board to the contrary) to scrimmage other leagues, so we've only been scrimmaging each other.  This means that we're always split up, always working against each other in some combination & to me, the team feels just that splintered.   We've also been working on alot of little goals and skills and strategies for some time now, but there is no overriding theme or focus.  I feel the need for a more intense focus from our leadership for our upcoming bout and it's just not there.  Our coach is neat, with gads of derby experience and knowledge, but also quite ADD (not even kidding), which is showing right now, with focus feeling scattered in a billion different directions.   Somebody get her some Adderall, STAT!  I JK, mostly.    And as one of the more experienced players on the roster (4 of us have played more than one season), if I'm feeling that way, how are our newer players and our bouting rookies feeling?  Course, maybe I just desire more structure than most; that's entirely possible.

Our game is going to be fine, and I'll be so proud of our team regardless of the score at the end, and I'll be happy with my performance on Saturday cause I'll pull my shit together like I always do on game day,  but geez, I hate this nagging irritating waiting thing!!!

Nothing came up under Pink Bizarre, so I typed in my actual name and came up with some interesting results:

loves to run and jump
likes to fly around and give her brothers and Mommy kisses. (um, ok.  I'm going to hope this referred to a toddler)
likes to draw SD frogs (WTF?)
likes to play games with other dogs and would be best in a home with another dog so she will never be lonely. (Check.)
likes to feed me (??)
likes to open her mouth and give "kisses" on the cheek.  (toddler again, hopefully?)
likes to dress up and be as silly as possible  (occasionally, yes)
likes to wear her baby too!  (I do carry small fuzzypaws of love around with me on the regular)
likes to say coffee is a food  (no, I like it, but not that much)
likes to call me Josh (who?)

So we're scrimmaging tonight, it's going okay, nothing spectacular, but not as sloppy and out of sync as yesterdays scrimmage was.  And one of the opposing team members falls in front of me after checking me out of bounds and I don't have the opportunity to avoid her, so ass over teakettle I fall.  Shouldn't be a big deal, right?  I fall all the time, it's the nature of the game.  But this time I slam into the 8 inch high wooden baseboard with my bicep/shoulder and that pitches me over onto my head.  My head solidly ricochets off the baseboard and into the rink floor.  By the way, this is absolutely no fun.  In addition to it being no fun, getting my head slammed scares me every time.  So in a matter of seconds I have pain, I have fear....and at the same time I hear laughter, loud "YEAHs", a whoop whoop, and clapping.  (I've slammed into the floor in front of the opposing bench, made up of our own players - we scrimmage our own teammates weekly).  When cheering, by my own teammates, was added on top of a scary and painful fall, my feelings got really hurt. 

When I'm in pain, when I get my feelings hurt...I don't get sad.  I don't cry.  No... I am an Aries.  I get PISSED.  As soon as I was able, I jumped up, ripped my helmet off, and flung it to the floor as I skated away.  It bounced so hard both my mouthguard and the panty** flew off.  I recovered my composure pretty quickly, skated back to my bench and asked to speak to the coach.  I thought my opposing teammates were laughing at this awful fall their blocker helped cause and I was so angry and hurt that they would laugh when someone was potentially injured. As a league, we tend to be pretty respectful of injuries and take a knee when someone is injured. 

Long story short, I spoke to the coach, who addressed the issue and it turned out to be a misunderstanding.  The opposing teammates said they were laughing at their own teammates fall which was apparently a very lengthy baseball slide, (I didn't notice this part, I was too busy falling over her).  I was apologized to by the skaters who laughed, I apologized to the league for throwing my helmet and the matter is resolved.   I'm really glad I approached the coach, vented to her, and asked her to handle it  - that resulted in everything being resolved by the end of the night and I'm glad I have nothing to stew over for the next 3 weeks!! 

Also, you should know that a true roller derby teammate is one who will pick the splinters out of your bicep and scrimmage pinny. 

**Panties are helmet covers that players in certain positions wear, they fit over the whole helmet and have elastic that fits snugly around the rim of the helmet. 

I've been so moody lately and I'm not sure exactly why.  My girlfriend theorizes it's because I've been sick for a month, which is not a bad hypothesis.  Theories others have proffered include the fact that it's February or the fact that I'm trying to move my sleep schedule so that I'm getting up earlier.    My theories include the fact that my finances continue to be a source of stress for me (for example, V-day is this weekend and I can't afford to do the things I'd like to for my girlfriend and still keep my power on) and also, while I love my roller derby league, I hate some of the un-businesslike practices that haunt our league and are a constant source of consternation.   Several of these things are entirely out of my control and I suspect that that feeling of helplessness is what my current mood state is revolving around.   I have such a hard time letting go of the things that are out of my control but which impact me greatly...I guess it's time to read some more buddhist philosophy.  

Okay, so I've been sick for a month.  Not unremittingly; I will have 3-5 days of feeling better and better and better and then a.l.m.o.s.t recovered, before I wake up feeling like ass all over again.  I'm really getting quite tired of it.  Symptoms include sinus ache and congestion, massive amounts of snot rolling down the back of my throat, sore throat from said snot, hacking cough from said snot, headache, occasional nausea, and an all enveloping total fatigue.

When I woke up this am feeling this way all over again plus my newest symptom - achey full ears - I called my doctors office to see if I should come in.  The receptionist asked me about my symptoms and said, oh yes, you'll need to come in, but we don't have any more appointments till Monday.  I explain to her that I don't want to come in and pay a $40 co-pay just to be told it's a virus and there's nothing they can do.  She had no sympathy for my plight and in fact, said that could possibly happen.  I'm almost certain it's going to happen because I haven't had a fever and they don't like to call it an infection if there's no fever.  Even though I'm almost certain it is an infection, because that's the only time I have this fluctuating ill, well, ill, well, ill pattern.  When it's a virus, I just get well. Period. Argh.  I promise I'm not trying to abuse the antibiotics, doc, I just need a little something to get me through this rough patch.....

And of course, this is a majorly busy weekend, with 2 different roller derby commitments for my league plus a 4 hour roller derby boot camp.  Just the thing for sick & exhausted. ugh.

:shaking head in disbelief:

• The electric company in my region continues to repair the numerous power lines downed in last weeks snowpocalypse.  The second time in 6 months that tens of thousands of people in my region have lost power for hours, days, and weeks due to a natural disaster.  And yet...the electric company won't start burying the lines, a sure way to prevent the lines from being downed by thousands of limbs and branches falling.  We have to pay for the repairs, but have no say in the future of the delivery of our utilities.
• 6 children under age eight. lives at home with mom. unemployed. no partner to share child-rearing responsibilities. gets fertility treatments to have more kids? what? never mind that she then had 8 MORE.  One more seems excessive given the rest of her circumstances. 

• I have terrific friends.  I really do.  They know me, understand me, accept me, forgive me.  I feel so fortunate to care about so many people in my life that I can't even figure out how to spend enough time with each of them.  They inspire me to be a better person every day.
  
• I love love love living by myself.  My little house is all mine and it just feels like home.  It's an old home, over a century old, needing lots of TLC; and I certainly don't have the money right now to decorate/update the way I'd like to, but it's the perfect amount of space and it's a good place to have my fuzzypaws of love - they've never had a yard to frolic in before!  

I've decided to resume blogging, it was an important outlet for me and connected me to people in a unique and valuable way.  But, the content will be filtered a little bit, since I've decided to be more open about sharing this blog (after others were a little too open about sharing it when it was anonymous!).  I decided to resume a couple of weeks ago, but got weighed down by the pressure of the first post, but here it is, short and sweet.  I look forward to reading your content again and hope that you won't be disappointed by mine! 

I hope all of my friends and neighbors (channeling Mr. Rogers, anyone?) have a wonderful weekend.  I'm taking tomorrow off from work and hope to have a sexy, relaxing, liquor and fun filled weekend.  I hope everyone elses is just as much fun ;]

She really is.  The things she's able to say to me, the insights she has about herself and her needs and wants and also about our relationship, her thoughtfulness, and huge heart.  I'm amazed sometimes.  We're both Smiling. A Lot.  And that feels so good.